for those of you with humor

Error message

Deprecated function: implode(): Passing glue string after array is deprecated. Swap the parameters in drupal_get_feeds() (line 394 of /var/www/


AuthorTopic: for those of you with humor
Law Bringer
Member # 4153
Profile Homepage #25
Originally written by Bring Out the Best in Boone:

"Oh my God! It's got me leg! Oh my God! Please, in the name of all that's holy, don't let it co—" *beep*

—Alorael, who is less than enamored of those who feel that having others record their messages is helpful.

This is amazing. I may have to change my voicemail now. :D

My suggestion:

"Hey, this is _______, and I'm not in right now. Leave your message at the sound of the beep."

(wait fifteen seconds)

"Wow, you're persistant, aren't you? Still waiting for that beep."

(fifteen more seconds)

"This must be really important. Not very many people make it this far. Congrats!"

(fifteen more seconds)

"Okay, it should've beeped by now. I never did get this phone to work right... look, it'll just be a second."

(five seconds)

"Damn, I think it beeped somewhere back there. Rewind this recording and record your message after the beep that you missed. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

I hate undead. I really, really, really, really hate undead. With a passion.
Posts: 4130 | Registered: Friday, March 26 2004 08:00
Member # 5977
Profile Homepage #26
"Hi. If you are hearing this, I may not be at home. that is, I may be at homr, but the phone has left me, and therefor I can't reach it. On the other hand, I may be at home AND away. Its for you to decide where I am, but... Oh crap. You wanted to leave a message no? I forgot the beep. It was probably to be heard when I was away. That is to say, now. I think. Oh what the hell. Just scream "beep" yourself and say what you want from me."

Play and rate my scenarios:

Where the rivers meet
View my upcoming scenario: The Nephil Search: Escape.

Give us your drek!
Posts: 3029 | Registered: Saturday, June 18 2005 07:00
Member # 6700
Profile Homepage #27
My roommate and I were, until our phone line spontaneously went dead (we're still waiting for mainenance to take a look), in the habit of changing our message once a week.
These are a few of my favorites.

"Hi, you've reached the Gates of Hell. We're kinda busy right this second, so leave some contact info and we'll try to get back to you, eventually. [someone screams in the background] Oh crap."

[Pick a song. Any song. Find your favorite part of the song. Play it in front of the answering machine]

"[Using a voice synthesizer] Hello. You are listening to an answering machine message. Feel proud. Have a nice day."

"Hi, you've reached [your names here].
If you are a telemarketer: we have no money.
If you are a bank or credit card company: we already gave you all of our money.
If you are our parents, please send more money.
If you are a hot, sexy woman, please leave your number, because we've got plenty of money."

"Hello? Oh hi. Uh huh. Cool. Oh yeah, right, I'm not really here right now. Sorry."

[Approximately 30 seconds of escalating manic laughter]

"Walther, we're ignoring you this week.
If you aren't Walther, keep talking. If we are around, we're screening our calls."

There was this one time when a guy in our hall went out to dinner and left his door open and lights on. The whole assembly of our hall congregated in his room and recorded a message advertising a gay orgy.

"Purple pizza."
"Pulverized purple pizza?"

"In honor of [whatever special week it happens to be.], we have decided that our message will be half a minute of silence. Thank you."
[The rest of the allotted time is silence]

The Silent Assassin's voicemail is very strange:
"You have reached [number here]. We're sorry, but the party that you are calling was unable to answer your call. Please leave a message."

-Lenar Labs
What's Your Destiny?

Ushmushmeifa: Lenar's power is almighty and ineffable.

All hail lord Noric, god of... well, something important, I'm sure.
Posts: 735 | Registered: Monday, January 16 2006 08:00
Member # 4506
Profile Homepage #28
Another one:

"Hello. This is <INSERT YOUR NAME HERE>'s secretary. <INSERT YOUR NAME HERE> is really busy at the moment, <INSERT MOST BORING ACTION HERE> so cannot tlak to you. Either that, or they just don't want to talk to you, but don't take it too personally. If you want to catch <INSERT YOUR NAME HERE> please ring back later. Alternatively, I can take a message for you. Please remember that all messages will be scanned by the FluffyTurtles (tm) VoiceScanner. BEEP"

Or you could just have:


The second one's probably your best answer-message.
- Archmagus Micael

"You dare Trifle with Avernum?" ~ Erika the Archmage
My Scenarios:
Undead Valley : A small Undead problem, what could possibly go wrong?
Richard Black - PROOF of his existance (the Infernal one's website).
MY FORUM! Randomosity at it's highest! :)
Posts: 1370 | Registered: Thursday, June 10 2004 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 335
Profile Homepage #29
"Hey, this is Albert! I was wondering if you received the fax I sent yesterday at around 4:30. Could you get back to me about them? I need to make sure they were properly received or my department is in big trouble." *beep*

—Alorael, who is not named Albert and has not been named Albert at any point in the last fifteen years.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
E Equals MC What!!!!
Member # 5491
Profile Homepage #30
A friend of mine who's a muso has a recording of himself singing a song about how he can't come to the phone. It was really funny, but I can't remember how it goes.

SupaNik: Aran, you're not big enough to threaten Ash. Dammit, even JV had to think twice.
Posts: 1861 | Registered: Friday, February 11 2005 08:00
Member # 4574
Profile #31
This one is mine:
"Hello, this is (your name here), if you are calling please leave your message after the beep. You are a"
After that the beep comes on.

Constitutional monarchies are the in monarchies.
Posts: 1186 | Registered: Friday, June 18 2004 07:00
By Committee
Member # 4233
Profile #32
If you actually want people to leave a message, I would advise making it as brief as possible. Given that most answering services currently include about 30 seconds of additional instruction, the burden of having to listen to someone else trying to be funny before you can leave a message is often too much for the average caller, and doubly so if it's someone you actually want to have take you seriously, like a prospective employer.

EDIT: Not to imply that I don't have a sense of humor - I do. For example, I would find it amusing if you lost a job opportunity because of a silly phone message. Sometimes discretion outweighs the value of humor.

[ Thursday, April 06, 2006 13:31: Message edited by: Drew ]
Posts: 2242 | Registered: Saturday, April 10 2004 07:00
Member # 1558
Profile #33
Sorry, made a mistake.


I know that's lame but I can't really contribute to this topic.

[ Thursday, April 06, 2006 13:35: Message edited by: stranger ]

DONOR Fat Freddys Drop
Shirow Miwa
Posts: 1112 | Registered: Friday, July 19 2002 07:00
Member # 4614
Profile Homepage #34
"Hi, you've reached John Smith. Thanks for calling. Bye."

Someone I know has that one, but his name isn't John Smith. Feel free to insert any name.

Posts: 3360 | Registered: Friday, June 25 2004 07:00
Member # 1046
Profile Homepage #35
I had something like this on my old cell phone:

"Hi ... (pause while the caller talks) ... Ohh right, I'm not here. Please leave your message after the beep. *beep*"

Polaris - owns you.
Undead Theories - double U slash E
Posts: 3323 | Registered: Thursday, April 25 2002 07:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 258
Profile Homepage #36
Heh, well the deed is done. I have a new message. And belive it or not I did have it all written down and what not... and that is gone. Poor paper. So all I have is my phone. and being as it is that I do not have the (whatever sounds good and also means I'm lazy as hell) to find another phone to call my phone and listen to my own voicemail simply so that I can type it here. I'll leave my number:)

1 931 505 0544.

please if you find my credit card number and what not from this... no more then 20$ a week. then it's fine:)

And Mar, it seems in the wee bit of time since I was last on here you've become amazingly popular, eh? :P

...well I thought it was funney...? didn't you?
Posts: 296 | Registered: Wednesday, November 7 2001 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 4153
Profile Homepage #37
A bit of personal advice, mung. Don't do that.

I mean, don't post your number online.

Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

I hate undead. I really, really, really, really hate undead. With a passion.
Posts: 4130 | Registered: Friday, March 26 2004 08:00
Member # 6600
Profile Homepage #38
People are stupid enough to call phone numbers they hear in songs and ask to speak with the person who was mentioned in the song, either seriously or as a prank. There are enough people who do this that anyone unlucky enough to have a identical phone number is generally forced to get a new number.

Posts: 4346 | Registered: Friday, December 23 2005 08:00
Member # 6193
Profile Homepage #39
Heres my voice mail message.

"Hi, I don't want to talk to you right now. Please leave a message so I can ignore it."

*My friend once wanted to dial the number 867-5309 from the song. Unfortunately he couldn't remember the actual number, just the tune of the song. He spent most of the day singing random numbers to the song's tune, and we spent most of the day laughing at him.*

Guaranteed to blow your mind.

Frostbite: Get It While It's...... Hot?
Posts: 900 | Registered: Monday, August 8 2005 07:00
Too Sexy for my Title
Member # 5654
Profile #40
Originally written by mung:

And Mar, it seems in the wee bit of time since I was last on here you've become amazingly popular, eh? :P
I deny it all with false modesty :P
Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00
Member # 6403
Profile #41
And why are you not using your new account?

??? ??????
???? ?????
Posts: 883 | Registered: Wednesday, October 19 2005 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 6489
Profile Homepage #42
Originally written by Ephesos:

A bit of personal advice, mung. Don't do that.

I mean, don't post your number online.

Strong words from someone who's number is on Facebook :P

Also, when it comes to prank answering machine messages, who can forget this?

"You're drinking liquor because you're thirsty? How nasty is your freaking water?" —Lazarus
Spiderweb Chat Room
Avernum RPSummariesOoCRoster
Shadow Vale - My site, home of the Spiderweb Chat Database, BoA Scenario Database, & the A1 Quest List, among other things.
Posts: 1556 | Registered: Sunday, November 20 2005 08:00
Member # 3812
Profile #43
Best one I've heard:

This is the answering machine of [INSERT NAME]
If you want to make a donation, my bank-account is 52698374 [OR ANY OTHER ACCOUNT NUMBER]

[ Thursday, April 06, 2006 23:29: Message edited by: Josty ]
Posts: 21 | Registered: Monday, December 22 2003 08:00
Member # 5450
Profile Homepage #44
Here are a couple I seen in a joke book:

"Hello, I'm not here. Leave a message, and I'll ge back to you. Leave a sexy message, and I'll get back sooner!"

"Hello, this is [insert name]. If you are the phone company, I have sent the money. If you are my parents, send me money. If you are my financial aid institution, you have not sent me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

[ Thursday, April 06, 2006 23:39: Message edited by: Spring ]

I'll put a Spring in your step.
Posts: 2396 | Registered: Saturday, January 29 2005 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 2984
Profile Homepage #45
Originally written by Dikiyoba:

People are stupid enough to call phone numbers they hear in songs and ask to speak with the person who was mentioned in the song, either seriously or as a prank. There are enough people who do this that anyone unlucky enough to have a identical phone number is generally forced to get a new number.


There is this Urban Legend about a woman whose number was just one digit away from the hotel's next door. She spent some time complaining to the hotel and asking them to change their number (since she got calls all the time). After being ignored, she took the hotel's orders and caused havoc.

In different variations of the story, the hotel either changed its number, or went bankrupt and was bought out by her, or went bankrupt and was sold to another chain that mistakenly called her.

I doubt it's true, because firstly the details are vague, secondly it has a punchline (the fewest real stories do), and thirdly because it is almost custom-tailored to give warm fuzzies to each of us who has experienced big evil corporations stomping on them.

But it's still funny.

Encyclopaedia ErmarianaForum ArchivesForum StatisticsRSS [Topic / Forum]
My BlogPolarisI eat novels for breakfast.
Polaris is dead, long live Polaris.
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00
Member # 6975
Profile Homepage #46
phone self destruck sequence activated self destrucking in 5..4..3..2..1..beep

sory abought the spelling (not my best subject) ;)
Posts: 80 | Registered: Wednesday, March 29 2006 08:00
Skip to My Lou
Member # 40
Profile Homepage #47
Originally written by Kuranes-:

So. Anyone up to taking the Spiderweb chats one step further and scheduling a Skype conference? I'm varnink yu, mie akzennt iss terrible.
Is there an older version of Skype that runs on windows 98? Would I still be able to talk to people with the newer version?

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
I like this one. :D

Take the Personality Test!
Deep down, you wish you were a stick figure.
Posts: 1629 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00
Member # 6401
Profile #48
"Hi, this is ______ . I'm not here right now, but please justify the existence of my machine."

I think this is really wonderful.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Tuesday, October 18 2005 07:00
Electric Sheep One
Member # 3431
Profile #49
Once I got my brother to record a phone message with me, so that two slightly-out-of-sync-but-similar voices said something like this: "HE ISN'T HERE ANY MORE. ZOOL INHABITS HIS BODY AND WE CAN'T FIGURE OUT THIS PHONE!".

This creeped out my minister friend too much, so I changed it. By speaking very quickly, I fit in:
"Your disembodied voice has reached my disembodied voice, by the medium of a machine whose sole contribution to the discourse is an automated request for information reminiscent of a POW confession: name, number, and text of urgent message."

Too many people were not leaving messages after that, so I went the other way:
"Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
"Itsy bitsy cockroach called while he was out.
"Didn't leave a message; wasn't that a shame.
"So itsy bitsy cockroach was never heard from again."

After a while I got bored, and our phone messages have been prosaic for years.

We're not doing cool. We're doing pretty.
Posts: 3335 | Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00