[Insert Dumb Joke Here]

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AuthorTopic: [Insert Dumb Joke Here]
Shaper
Member # 6292
Profile #0
Man: "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Friend: "Have you seen a doctor?"
Man: "No, just spots."

-S-

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A4 Item Locations A4 Singleton G4 Items List G4 Forging List The Insidious Infiltrator
Posts: 2009 | Registered: Monday, September 12 2005 07:00
Guardian
Member # 2339
Profile #1
Insert Dumb Joke here? Most certainly!

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-Zephyr Tempest, your personal entertainer
Posts: 1779 | Registered: Monday, December 9 2002 08:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 3174
Profile Homepage #2
Patient: Doctor, I think Im a bridge
Doctor: Whats come over you?
Patient: So far, 3 cars, a truck and a bicycle

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Aa' menle nauva calen ar' ta hwesta e' ale'quenle, melloneamin.
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Finder of impossible beta testing errors.
Posts: 364 | Registered: Saturday, July 5 2003 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 6785
Profile #3
First Sailor: I heard this great Polish joke.
Second Sailor: You know that I'm Polish?
First Sailor: That's ok, I'll tell it to you real slowly.
Second Sailor: Heh, heh, heh.
Posts: 4643 | Registered: Friday, February 10 2006 08:00
Infiltrator
Member # 5410
Profile #4
Why do seagulls fly by the sea?

Because if they flew by the bay, they’d be bay-gulls!

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"Dikiyoba ... is demon ... drives people mad and ... do all sorts of strange things."

"You Spiderwebbians are mad, mad, mad as March hares."
Posts: 687 | Registered: Wednesday, January 19 2005 08:00
Infiltrator
Member # 8
Profile #5
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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"Names is for tombstones, baby." -Mr. Big
Posts: 699 | Registered: Thursday, September 20 2001 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 335
Profile Homepage #6
My two possibly favorite jokes of all time:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second and asks, "Is it just me, or is it getting really hot in here?" The second one jumps and says, "Whoah! A talking muffin!"

—Alorael, who definitely thinks the first joke is the kind that works far better out loud. It's also the second best bar joke after one he can't quite remember about Pascal walking up a rocky torr to get to the bar witht the best atmosphere.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
Infiltrator
Member # 5410
Profile #7
A skunk, a duck and a giraffe walk into the bar and order drinks. The bartender serves them up and then asks whos paying.

The skunk stares the bartender dead in the eye and says "Sorry, I don't have a scent."

The duck looks up from his drink and says "All I've got is one small bill."

The giraffe then loudly proclaims, "Don't worry, the high balls are on me!"

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"Dikiyoba ... is demon ... drives people mad and ... do all sorts of strange things."

"You Spiderwebbians are mad, mad, mad as March hares."
Posts: 687 | Registered: Wednesday, January 19 2005 08:00
Guardian
Member # 6670
Profile Homepage #8
With my Stats prof, I could do this all day:

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There's a party, and all the functions are attending. Everyone's enjoying themselves, except for exp(x). x^2 walks over to exp(x). "Why don't you try integrate yourself into the party?"

"It won't make a difference," exp(x) sobs.
Posts: 1509 | Registered: Tuesday, January 10 2006 08:00
Infiltrator
Member # 2836
Profile #9
quote:
Originally written by *i kicks puppies and orphans.:


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

I don't get this one, could someone please explain it for me?
Posts: 587 | Registered: Tuesday, April 1 2003 08:00
...b10010b...
Member # 869
Profile Homepage #10
quote:
Originally written by The Stew Boy:

quote:
Originally written by *i kicks puppies and orphans.:


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

I don't get this one, could someone please explain it for me?

"Is the bar tender here?"

See, because bars can be made of wood, and termites eat wood, and something that's tender is pleasant to eat.

Anyway, my contribution:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

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The Empire Always Loses: This Time For Sure!
Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00
Apprentice
Member # 7905
Profile Homepage #11
Here's an old... really dumb one:

A man walks into a bar after a hard day's work, the bartender ushers him out the door and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve miners."
[Insert booing here]
Posts: 10 | Registered: Monday, January 15 2007 08:00
Apprentice
Member # 7887
Profile #12
An atom walks into a bar.

Atom: Bartender, I think I left an electron here.
Bartender: Are you positive?
Posts: 22 | Registered: Thursday, January 11 2007 08:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 5545
Profile Homepage #13
The Pope flies into LA for a conference and is picked up by a limo at the terminal. The driver asks His Holiness there is anything he could do to make him more comfortable, and the Pope responds with a request.

Apparently, His Holiness has not had the opportunity to drive himself for a long period of time, and would like to experience the thrill once again.

The chauffeur, being a devout Catholic, makes no argument. They switch spots, and soon the Pope (being, of course, an Italian) is cruising along the highway through the Valley at 95 mph. And, of course, he gets pulled over by a motorcycle cop.

The cop takes one look at the Pope, walks back to the motorcycle and gets on the radio with the chief. "Chief, I've got a huge problem here. I've just pulled over someone who's EXTREMELY important and I'm not sure what to do."

The chief, used to such comments by rookie cops, responds that celbrities must be treated like any other criminals.
To this, the cop responds, "I don't think this person really counts in the genre of celbrities. He's a bit more important than that."

The chief, seeming a bit annoyed, retorts, "Politicians fall under the same rule, be it the governor or even the president."

The cop responds, "No sir, I think he's even more important than the president."

The chief, abosoultly confused by now, asks who might be more important than the President of the United States.

The cop thinks about this for a second before saying, "I'm not entirely sure, sir, but he's got the Pope for a chauffeur.'

[ Friday, February 09, 2007 15:39: Message edited by: Cirion Actaeon ]

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Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.
Posts: 344 | Registered: Friday, February 25 2005 08:00
Canned
Member # 8014
Profile #14
You may boo if you want(please clap).

Three guys are on a plane. The manager finds that they have items they shouldn't, so he tells them to get rid of them. One of the guys opens a window and throws out a pencil. The two guys follow and throw out a monopoly game and a bomb. Later, on the news, it says that a man who caught the biggest fish ever lost it when a random pencil cut the wire as it fell. Then a kid who was sulking found a monoply came on top of an old man. It was later found that he ran away saying "IT HAS BEEN 5HRS GRANDMA, YOU WIN!" Then a building exploded. A witness said that the building exploded as she was farting.

This is a rip off of some joke I heared a long time ago.

:rolleyes:
-(lays on the ground because of the horribleness of the joke)(At least it fits the topic.

[ Friday, February 09, 2007 18:49: Message edited by: Infernal Flamming Muffin ]

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
Lifecrafter
Member # 34
Profile Homepage #15
...

After a moment of silence for the previous joke:

What's the same about a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar?
They both suck when you plug them in.

What do you call a hundred lawyers on the bottom of a pond?
A good start.

What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
People cry when you cut up an onion.

Two Mexican soldiers, Juan and Ramone, are walking through desert-like enemy terrain. They've been separated from their troop for days and are starving to death in the arid desert. Juan, unable to bear it, finally collapses on the dirt. "Juan, Juan! Get up!" shouts Ramone. "There will be food just over the next hill!" So Juan struggles to his knees and the two soldiers crawl to the top of the sandy hill.
Sure enough, at the bottom of the hill they see a small shrub growing with slabs of meat hanging off it. Juan jumps to his feet and runs toward the tree, shouting, "Ramone, Ramone! It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"
Just then a burst of machine gun fire erupts from the top of the next hill. Ramone flings himself to the ground, but sees Juan stagger, wounded, and fall flat. He crawls to Juan as fast as he can, and finds his fellow soldier breathing heavily. "Juan, what happened?" asks Ramone. "Ahh, Ramone," sighs Juan. "It was not a bacon tree. It was a hambush!"

And to finish...

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

EDIT: One for Spiderweb:

Johnny gets off the computer one day and tells his mom, "Mommy! Mommy! I want to grow up and be a Spiderweb Software Moderator!" His mom says, "Now, Johnny, you can't do both."

[ Friday, February 09, 2007 20:03: Message edited by: Robinator is a Beefcake ]

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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

'Spiderweb Software' anagrammmed: 'Word-bereft A**wipe'
Posts: 702 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00
Councilor
Member # 6600
Profile Homepage #16
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine?

A minor B flat.

Dikiyoba.
Posts: 4346 | Registered: Friday, December 23 2005 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 335
Profile Homepage #17
Politics.

[Edit: I can't speak for myseslf.]

—Alorael, who thinks that one speaks for itself.

[ Friday, February 09, 2007 22:58: Message edited by: Schro abuses unpaid grad students. ]
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
Dollop of Whipped Cream
Member # 391
Profile Homepage #18
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell something fishy?"

A drumset complete with cymbals falls off a cliff.
*Badum-shhee*

I wish I had an emo lawn.
Then the grass would cut itself.

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"Tyranicus is about the only one that still posts in the Nethergate Forum." —Randomizer
Spiderweb Chat Room
Shadow Vale - My site, home of the Spiderweb Chat Database, BoA Scenario Database, & the A1 Quest List, among other things.
Posts: 562 | Registered: Friday, December 14 2001 08:00
Agent
Member # 1934
Profile Homepage #19
This is apparently the funniest joke ever written.

There are two hunters walking through the woods. All of a sudden, on of the hunters falls over, begins to twitch and his eyes rolled back into his head. The other hunter ran over to him to see if he was okay. The hunter couldn't get his friend to respond so he called 911. The operator picked up.
"911. What is your emergency?"
"My friend and I are hunting and I think he's dead."
"Are you positive that he's dead?" she asks.
There is a pause and the operator hears a gunshot.
"Okay. I'm sure he's dead. Now what?" the hunter asks.

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You acquire an item: Radio Free Foil
Posts: 1169 | Registered: Monday, September 23 2002 07:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 3174
Profile Homepage #20
Two Irishmen were out walking and see a sign that says "Tree fellers wanted."
One of them turns to the other and says, "It's a pity Paddy isn't with us."

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Aa' menle nauva calen ar' ta hwesta e' ale'quenle, melloneamin.
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Finder of impossible beta testing errors.
Posts: 364 | Registered: Saturday, July 5 2003 07:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 5545
Profile Homepage #21
quote:
Originally written by Dikiyoba:

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine?

A minor B flat.


I have also seen that phrased "A flat minor", making it a single scale.

Edit: Wrong musical terminology. An odd mistake, given I actually knew the differnce on this one.

[ Saturday, February 10, 2007 08:02: Message edited by: Cirion Actaeon ]

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Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.
Posts: 344 | Registered: Friday, February 25 2005 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 335
Profile Homepage #22
One scale, you mean.

Oh, right. A justification for this post. So... A client walked into a psychiatrist's office and sat down. The psychiatrist asked him what was wrong, and the man replied that he felt like his life was incomplete. The psychiatrist thought for a moment.

—Alorael, who puts this joke in the company of many brilliant limericks, haiku, and the occasional sonnet. It really does work better in verse.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
Warrior
Member # 4537
Profile Homepage #23
So a pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, what's with that steering wheel stuck to your pants?" The pirate replies "Y'arr, it's drivin' me nuts."

Charles Darwin, Jean-Baptiste Lemarck, and Groucho Marx walk into a bar. The three men are quite surprised to see that the bartender is a chimpanzee who uses its long arms to easily reach the bottles on the higher shelves.
Darwin quickly concludes that the monkey must have been chosen for the job due to its long reach, which it inherited through genetics.
Lamarck, however, contradicts him, saying that the bartender must have taken the job and then gained long arms because it needed them to perform its duties.
Groucho looks at them both and says:
[Sorry, SimLife couldn't find a needed punchline.]

How many Robot Masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb, and two hundred to ruin the franchise!

What costs $600 and smells like snake oil?
Next gen!

Try the potato salad.

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http://whyte-shadow-neko.deviantart.com - My drawings!
Waka Laka love and fantasy~
Posts: 147 | Registered: Sunday, June 13 2004 07:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 5545
Profile Homepage #24
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen.
What about if she's Japanese?
Irene.
What about a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
Stew.
In a swimming pool?
Bob.
A pile of leaves?
Russell.

[ Saturday, February 10, 2007 08:30: Message edited by: Cirion Actaeon ]

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Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.
Posts: 344 | Registered: Friday, February 25 2005 08:00

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