What's your best joke?

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AuthorTopic: What's your best joke?
Shock Trooper
Member # 6102
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Since I'm in between classes now and have a few minutes to spare, what is your best joke?

For me, it's: "If con is the opposite of pro, then is congress the opposite of progress?"

Gotta love political jokes that are sad, but true.

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"Truly, if there is evil in this world, it lies in the heart of mankind." -Edward D. Morrison
Posts: 220 | Registered: Monday, July 11 2005 07:00
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Just what we need- more progress.

...
Before I give some of mine, I just want to know how racially charged the jokes can be while still being CoC-compliant.

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Posts: 6936 | Registered: Tuesday, September 18 2001 07:00
Warrior
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A man went to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but seran wrap underpants. His doctor said "CLEARLY, I can see yer nuts".

[ Monday, October 17, 2005 06:34: Message edited by: Detta ]
Posts: 81 | Registered: Sunday, June 6 2004 07:00
Too Sexy for my Title
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I think someone already thought about this before. And not so long ago : Here
Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 258
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heh, fun fun:D

An exceptionally skilled proctologist decided that he hated the life style that he was in. " A man can only take so much of this" and with those last words he left his office never to be seen there again and moved to california to work as a mechanic at a motercycle shop.

But he found that he had no idea how to do anything on a bike let alone fix it. So he decided to take a class. Well, after 3 months of hard work and labor he comes to his final exam.

The instructor says to him, "alright, the gradeing is this, 50 points for takeing it apart, and 50 points for putting it back together...begin" With that the ex-doctor-not-biker sets to work dismantiling the machine and putting it back together again in amazing order.

At the end when he receives his score he is confused...he walks up to the instructor and asks... "sir, could you explain this to me...I thought that the 50 and the 50 would equal 100, yet you gave me a 200?" THe instructor looks at him a bit curiously..."well," he says "I gave you 100 points for doing an outstanding job. Then another 100 for doing it through the tail-pipe."

If anyone's bothered by this just let me know I"ll take it off...but rather funney all the same:D forgive whatever bad spelling you may find please:D

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...well I thought it was funney...? didn't you?
Posts: 296 | Registered: Wednesday, November 7 2001 08:00
Agent
Member # 618
Profile Homepage #5
Hmm... I can't repeat most, but I'll contribute some tastelessness.

What do you call a dog that's just been run over by a steamroller? Spot.
Posts: 1487 | Registered: Sunday, February 10 2002 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 2984
Profile Homepage #6
quote:
Originally written by mung:

heh, fun fun:D

An exceptionally skilled proctologist decided that he hated the life style that he was in. " A man can only take so much of this" and with those last words he left his office never to be seen there again and moved to california to work as a mechanic at a motercycle shop.

But he found that he had no idea how to do anything on a bike let alone fix it. So he decided to take a class. Well, after 3 months of hard work and labor he comes to his final exam.

The instructor says to him, "alright, the gradeing is this, 50 points for takeing it apart, and 50 points for putting it back together...begin" With that the ex-doctor-not-biker sets to work dismantiling the machine and putting it back together again in amazing order.

At the end when he receives his score he is confused...he walks up to the instructor and asks... "sir, could you explain this to me...I thought that the 50 and the 50 would equal 100, yet you gave me a 200?" THe instructor looks at him a bit curiously..."well," he says "I gave you 100 points for doing an outstanding job. Then another 100 for doing it through the tail-pipe."

If anyone's bothered by this just let me know I"ll take it off...but rather funney all the same:D forgive whatever bad spelling you may find please:D

Did he try to anesthesize the bike? :P

No good jokes right now. But a funny cartoon from UserFriendly:

IMAGE(http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99dec/uf001318.gif)

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Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00
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That's sooo lame, yet complety true.
Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00
Warrior
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I just read this one over at another site and loved it...

Two male mathematicians are in a restaurant.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress and tells her that after a few minutes when his friend returns, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats 'one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats 'one third x cubed'.
She: 'one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, 'one thir dex cubed...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral calculus question, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?" The waitress says 'one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant"!
Posts: 81 | Registered: Sunday, June 6 2004 07:00
Shaper
Member # 6292
Profile #9
Definition of a statistician:

Man standing with one foot in a pot full of boiling water and one foot in a pot full of ice water who says, "On the average, I feel fine."

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Posts: 2009 | Registered: Monday, September 12 2005 07:00
...b10010b...
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The owners of a factory suspect there's a leaky pipe somewhere in the walls, so they call in a world-renowned engineer to find the leak.

The engineer walks into the factory, wanders around for a little while, walks up to one wall, holds his ear against the wall for a moment, then takes a pencil out of his pocket and draws a little X on the wall. "The leak is directly behind that X," he says.

The foreman thanks him and asks how much his advice is going to cost.

"$10,000," the engineer replies.

"What? But you've barely been here for two minutes! All you did was put a little X on the wall! I want that bill itemised!"

The engineer shrugs, scribbles a little note on a piece of paper and hands it to the foreman.

It reads: "Putting a little X on the wall, $1. Knowing where to put the little X on the wall, $9,999."

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The Empire Always Loses: This Time For Sure!
Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 5585
Profile #11
Three lawyers and three engineers went on a buisness trip by train. The lawyers bought three tickets, but the engineers bought only one.

Suprised, the lawyers asked how the engineers planned to travel with only one ticket. The engineers simply told them to watch.

As the lawyers wached, all three engineers crowded into the bathroom. Soon, the conductor came by, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket please!". The door opened a little bit, and a hand came out and handed the conductor a ticket.

On the trip back, the lawyers bought one ticket, but this time, the engineers didn't buy any. The lawyers asked how the engineers planned on travelling without any tickets. This time the engineers just said, "you'll find out".

Both groups entered the train, and each one crowded into a different bathroom. Once the lawyers had shut the door, one of the engineers left the bathroom and walked over to the other one. Then, he knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please!'

Edit: 250 posts!

[ Monday, October 17, 2005 14:53: Message edited by: Error ]

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Posts: 258 | Registered: Wednesday, March 9 2005 08:00
Warrior
Member # 6218
Profile #12
These are my two favorite jokes.....Get ready.......

Why did the Scarecrow get a Phd???????
(drumroll)
Because he was outstanding in his field!!!!

A nuetron walks into a bar and asks for a beer
"How much is that" the Nuetron asks
"For you, no charge" replies the Bartender

:D
Posts: 62 | Registered: Sunday, August 14 2005 07:00
Lifecrafter
Member # 4682
Profile #13
I came up with this years ago.

Why was the tomato afraid to play parcheesi?
Because he was afraid of getting diced.

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Posts: 834 | Registered: Thursday, July 8 2004 07:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 6102
Profile #14
quote:
Originally written by Marlenny:

I think someone already thought about this before. And not so long ago : Here
Ah, I didn't know about that. I haven't been visiting the boards that much since college has been so hectic now. I'll start to look back on the topics before I make one next time.

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"Truly, if there is evil in this world, it lies in the heart of mankind." -Edward D. Morrison
Posts: 220 | Registered: Monday, July 11 2005 07:00
Master
Member # 4614
Profile Homepage #15
quote:
Originally written by Detta:

I just read this one over at another site and loved it...

Two male mathematicians are in a restaurant.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress and tells her that after a few minutes when his friend returns, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats 'one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats 'one third x cubed'.
She: 'one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, 'one thir dex cubed...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral calculus question, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?" The waitress says 'one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant"!

Where did you hear that? I read it from a book called Count Down by Steve Olson. Pretty good book, actually.

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-ben4808
Posts: 3360 | Registered: Friday, June 25 2004 07:00
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quote:
Originally written by Atrus:

IMAGE(http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99dec/uf001318.gif)
Illiad sucks.

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Posts: 6936 | Registered: Tuesday, September 18 2001 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 2984
Profile Homepage #17
quote:
Originally written by Espionage:

These are my two favorite jokes.....Get ready.......

Why did the Scarecrow get a Phd???????
(drumroll)
Because he was outstanding in his field!!!!

A nuetron walks into a bar and asks for a beer
"How much is that" the Nuetron asks
"For you, no charge" replies the Bartender

:D

Those were of the kind that our physics teacher would tell. The sort that makes you groan.

Say them with a Scottish accent.

--

I happen to like UF. So?

[ Tuesday, October 18, 2005 04:02: Message edited by: Atrus ]

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Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00
Warrior
Member # 4478
Profile Homepage #18
quote:
Originally written by WST ben:

Where did you hear that? I read it from a book called Count Down by Steve Olson. Pretty good book, actually.
A guy on another board I frequent was posting a bunch of math jokes yesterday. He knows I love the math talk.

Here's the rest:

Do you know why the mathematician was so unhappy?

His life was full of problems.

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Why did the cube cross from the second to the third dimension?

The second dimension was too square.

***

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
Posts: 81 | Registered: Sunday, June 6 2004 07:00
Master
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I like this joke very much. I tolled it not long ago on an other topic:

A man comes with his dog to the synagoge. Upon entering, however, the rabbi stops him:

"You can't enter with a dog," he says.

"But this is a special dog," the man says.

"What is so special about him?" The rabbi asks.

The man goes to his dog, and orders him to wash his hands and open up his bible. he does it! The dog neatly washeshis hands, dries them and opens his bible. The rabbi looks fuul of awe at the dog.

"That's amazing! You should bring him to Hollywood! You could be rich!" The rabbi says

"Yes I know, but what can i do that the dog wants to be a dentist?"

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Posts: 3029 | Registered: Saturday, June 18 2005 07:00
Law Bringer
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quote:
Originally written by Detta:

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
The thing to remember, of course, is that your arm has a reach of nearly a meter. :P

Some guy posted the dog joke in the other thread (too tired to check), and it's still dumb. While it indeed does not add anything to the joke whether the other person is a (Jewish) rabbi, and it does not matter whether the book the dog is opening is a (Christian) bible, both together indicate an inconsistency. This alone generates a potential set-up for a punchline, but is left hanging in the air. This distracts from the actual joke, which isn't that good in the first place.

Wow, I needed that rant. :)

[ Tuesday, October 18, 2005 06:50: Message edited by: Atrus ]

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Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00
Law Bringer
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Here's the joke told in a more consistent (and emphatically Jewish) way:

quote:

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship. You can't bring your dog in here." "What do you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck, this dog has a tallis bag 'round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!".

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck. "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible. "You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!"

"You speak to him," says the man,"he wants to be a dentist."

The joke has to do with stereotypical Jewishness. As much as I hate when people say this to me, I have to say it: if you don't understand it, you don't understand it. Explanation won't help.

—Alorael, who doesn't find it all that funny anyway. It's a little bit funny, but there are much better Jewish jokes. Like, say, one about a mother who finds out her son is becoming a Christian...
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
Too Sexy for my Title
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quote:
Originally written by Accountability in Action
one about a mother who finds out her son is becoming a Christian...

I wonder where I heard that before.
Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00
Lifecrafter
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Profile #23
Here are two jokes, both jewish(but not as obviously so-they more have to do with jewish stereo-types). I don't like the second one as much, because why it's supposed to be funny isn't obvious.

A jewish mother gives her adult son two shirts. A few nights later they are about to go out for dinner. He comes down wearing one of the shirts and says 'See mom? I'm wearing one of the shirts you gave me.' The mother says 'What? You didn't like the other one?'

A Chinese restaurant opened up, but went out of buisness soon afterwards because it wasn't a jewish neighborhood.

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Do not underestimate the power of the mechanical pencil.

Join the Dark side. We have cookies.

Played in:
Fiddler on the Roof
Bye Bye Birdie

"Hey, Patrick, feel this random pipe. It's squishy"-Nils
Posts: 834 | Registered: Thursday, July 8 2004 07:00
E Equals MC What!!!!
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Profile Homepage #24
Bad math jokes? Count me in!

What is 1x2x3x4x5?

FIVE!

I doubt anyone will get it except for the people I've explained it to before.

Also, since there's an engineer trend happening as well: To some people, the glass is half full. To others, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is always twice as big as it needs to be.

Now I just need to dig up a Jewish joke.

[ Tuesday, October 18, 2005 12:55: Message edited by: Ash Lael ]

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