What's your best joke?

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AuthorTopic: What's your best joke?
Lifecrafter
Member # 4682
Profile #25
So.....will you explain it to us? Please? *offers a piece of chocolate in return for an explanation*

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Join the Dark side. We have cookies.

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Posts: 834 | Registered: Thursday, July 8 2004 07:00
Master
Member # 4614
Profile Homepage #26
What is:

1 times 2
times 3
times 4
times 5
times 6
times 7
times 8
times 9
times 0

Dunno if it's a effective in writing.

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-ben4808
Posts: 3360 | Registered: Friday, June 25 2004 07:00
Infiltrator
Member # 5991
Profile Homepage #27
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

my all time fav

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Posts: 462 | Registered: Tuesday, June 21 2005 07:00
Master
Member # 5977
Profile Homepage #28
quote:
Originally written by Atrus:

quote:
Originally written by Detta:

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
The thing to remember, of course, is that your arm has a reach of nearly a meter. :P

Some guy posted the dog joke in the other thread (too tired to check), and it's still dumb. While it indeed does not add anything to the joke whether the other person is a (Jewish) rabbi, and it does not matter whether the book the dog is opening is a (Christian) bible, both together indicate an inconsistency. This alone generates a potential set-up for a punchline, but is left hanging in the air. This distracts from the actual joke, which isn't that good in the first place.

Wow, I needed that rant. :)

It was me also who posted the same joke there, and PLEASE!! DON'T start correcting every bit of the Jewish things that I don't do totally perfect!!!

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Posts: 3029 | Registered: Saturday, June 18 2005 07:00
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Simmah dawn nah!

*this message sponsored by the M8BoH*

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quote:
Originally written by Kelandon:

Well, I'm at least pretty sure that Salmon is losing.


Posts: 4114 | Registered: Monday, April 25 2005 07:00
Warrior
Member # 3870
Profile Homepage #30
quote:
Originally written by Thralni, emperor of Riverrod:

quote:
Originally written by Atrus:

quote:
Originally written by Detta:

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
The thing to remember, of course, is that your arm has a reach of nearly a meter. :P

Some guy posted the dog joke in the other thread (too tired to check), and it's still dumb. While it indeed does not add anything to the joke whether the other person is a (Jewish) rabbi, and it does not matter whether the book the dog is opening is a (Christian) bible, both together indicate an inconsistency. This alone generates a potential set-up for a punchline, but is left hanging in the air. This distracts from the actual joke, which isn't that good in the first place.

Wow, I needed that rant. :)

It was me also who posted the same joke there, and PLEASE!! DON'T start correcting every bit of the Jewish things that I don't do totally perfect!!!

preg_replace('/!+/','/!/',$post);The funny thing is, I'm neither a Jew nor a practicing Christian (agnostic, rather). It has nothing to do with knowing anything about religion, but rather with telling good jokes. If it doesn't add to the punchline, leave it out. The hair color, age, favorite food and height of the rabbi has nothing to do with the joke; neither does his profession or religion.

If you add trivial details, the joke becomes boring and too long.

[ Wednesday, October 19, 2005 00:30: Message edited by: Albus Dumbledore ]

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"Toleration is not the opposite of intoleration, but is the counterfeit of it. Both are despotisms. The one assumes to itself the right of withholding liberty of conscience, and the other of granting it."
---Thomas Paine

Posts: 156 | Registered: Thursday, January 8 2004 08:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 3898
Profile #31
Unless, of course, part of the point of the joke is for it to be so long before the listeners get the punchline. (Such jokes usually aren't that good, though). For example, the joke of the man in the desert.

Once there was a rich man travelling through the desert with a gigantic train of 100 camels, each one led by a trained camel handler and carrying a cargo of expensive items. Anyway, the rich man was travelling on his lead camel when he suddenly heard this weird voice, saying "one... two... three... four...". He ignored it and kept on going, but it kept coming back and annoying him, so eventually he stopped the camels, went to the camel behind him and began to search through it, looking for anything that counted, but couldn't really tell, so he just dumped the camel's cargo in the desert and kept riding. But then he heard something say "three... four... five... six..." quietly, and he nearly jumped off his camel, went to the man who was handling the now-empty camel behind him and searched him for anything that could be making the noise, but found nothing, so simply had the man and his camel go away into the desert, and kept riding. Then he heard the same voice saying "nine... ten... eleven... twelve..." and was so curious and angry that he did exactly the same thing with the next camel. Then he heard the voice saying "one... two... three... four...", and did it with the next, and the whole procedure was repeated many times until he had no camels left. It was night-time by then, and he decided he should light a fire to keep out the freezing chill of a desert night, but he didn't have any way to light one. So, he thought for a while, but then he remembered his packet of cigarettes and lighter in his front pocket. He quickly grabbed them and pulled them out, and then he heard the voice in his ear again. "one... two... three... four...". But as he did, he saw, on the front of his packet of cigarettes, the words "It's the tobacco that counts".

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Posts: 364 | Registered: Saturday, January 17 2004 08:00
Warrior
Member # 3870
Profile Homepage #32
Granted, but even there, the details are only in it to raise the tension. You make no mention of the rich man's eye color, I note. ;)

I know one other joke that does this, and it really can't be told in writing. You start thusly:

"What's big and green, eats stones, and lives five meters underground?"

"A big green stone-eater."

Optionally, you can now throw in some other stupid question/answer jokes like this one, before leading up to the next part. As said, it's the length that counts.

Change the topic. This is the hardest part to do, because you want to distract and make people partly forget the joke you just told, but not completely.

Eventually, pose this hypothetical scenario (how you lead up to it is your business): Imagine the Earth's core was solid and at normal temperature, so that you could burrow a tunnel through it. That's a *vertical* tunnel, passing right through the Earth's core and coming out on the opposite side, somewhere in Australia possibly.

Keep in mind the Earth is about 40,000 kilometers wide in circumference, and its gravity acceleration is 9.81 ms^-2 . Now, imagine you take a stone and let it fall into the hole.

Will the stone reach the other end?

----

*drumroll*

No!

Why? Well, it falls five meters, and then it reaches the big, green stone-eater...

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"Toleration is not the opposite of intoleration, but is the counterfeit of it. Both are despotisms. The one assumes to itself the right of withholding liberty of conscience, and the other of granting it."
---Thomas Paine

Posts: 156 | Registered: Thursday, January 8 2004 08:00
...b10010b...
Member # 869
Profile Homepage #33
And then there's the one whose punchline involves a clown, and which I cannot tell due to the CoC.

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The Empire Always Loses: This Time For Sure!
Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00
Warrior
Member # 6401
Profile #34
Not sure if they're my best jokes, but anyway...:

What has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
- A piano

Definition of a string quartet:
A good violinist
A bad violinist
An ex-violinist
Someone who hates violinists

(Okay so most pianos actually have 3 legs, if they have any.)

[ Wednesday, October 19, 2005 22:04: Message edited by: Thin Air ]

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I think this is really wonderful.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Tuesday, October 18 2005 07:00
Master
Member # 5977
Profile Homepage #35
Albus Dumbledore, I didn't put any trivial details in that joke, so please stop complaining! Its only a joke! Was that actually meant for me, or for somebody else? Doesn't matter actually. I have to get out of the forums for a fe moments, because I'm already quite irritated with this stupid computer (its the PC, not the Mac), so I don't have any patience at the moment for these "be more precise" stupid posts. Sorry, i don't want ofend anybody, just had let some sream out.

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Posts: 3029 | Registered: Saturday, June 18 2005 07:00
? Man, ? Amazing
Member # 5755
Profile #36
quote:
Originally written by some idiot:

Simmah dawn nah!
*this message sponsored by the makers of valium*

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quote:
Originally written by Kelandon:

Well, I'm at least pretty sure that Salmon is losing.


Posts: 4114 | Registered: Monday, April 25 2005 07:00
Master
Member # 5977
Profile Homepage #37
I was still about to ask what that means...

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Posts: 3029 | Registered: Saturday, June 18 2005 07:00
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Goooooooooogle

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quote:
Originally written by Kelandon:

Well, I'm at least pretty sure that Salmon is losing.


Posts: 4114 | Registered: Monday, April 25 2005 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 335
Profile Homepage #39
A joke that I must profess to like out of proportion to its objective quality, whatever that may be:

A man, let's call him Ted, visits his friend, Rupert, in another city. Rupert invites Ted to the bar where he always goes to meet all his drinking buddies. So the two show up, and as they walk in the door, someone at the end of the bar shouts, "511!" Everyone in the bar chuckles.

Ted thinks it's a little weird, but he and Rupert sit down and order drinks. Then, as their drinks arrive, another man yells, "17!" and gets a few laughs. Ted turns to Rupert and asks, "What's going on here?"

"It's very simple," Rupert explains. "We're all regulars here, and we've told our jokes so many times that we decided to just give 'em all numbers to save time."

"Oh," says Ted. "Okay. 102!" Dead silence. "What? What did I do wrong?"

Rupert shakes his head. "You have to have better delivery than that!"

"All right. 924!"

Now everyone in the room bursts out laughing until tears run down their cheeks. Several people fall off their barstools and can't manage to get up. Finally, when everything calms down, Ted helps Rupert back into his stool and asks, "That was a big response. Was my delivery that much better?"

"No, it's just that we'd never heard that joke before!"

Feeling pretty good about this joke system now, Ted tries something new. "Root 18!"

Silence again, and Rupert elbows Ted hard. "Hey! We're civil guys! We don't tell those kinds of jokes here!"

—Alorael, who has heard this joke told in many different forms (often in a prison instead of a bar), and usually with only one punchline. The first two work together, but the third is a stretch unless it has the joke to itself.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
Shaper
Member # 6292
Profile #40
Man 1: Was your boss surprised to hear you're leaving your job?
Man 2: No, he knew before I did.

...

And now, in the morbid spirit of the season, Epitaphs for Laughs:
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This first one's for Thralni:

Johnny was a chemist, but Johnny is no more, for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Here lies all that's left of Johnny Bains. The roads were slick; he had no chains.

Here lies the body of Johhny Mound. Lost at sea and never found.

Here lies Ann Mann. She lived an old maid. She died an old Mann.

Shoot-em-up Jake. Ran for Sheriff, 1872. Ran from sheriff, 1873.

Underneath this pile of stones lies all that's left of Sally Jones. Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones...but Jones was used to rhyme with stones.

Merideth Baxter. Here lies one blown out of breath. She lived a merry life and she died a Merideth.

Here lies the body of Johnny Ray,
who died maintaining his right of way.
He was right—dead right—as he sped along...
but he's just as dead as if he'd been dead wrong.

Here lies the body of Sally Lonn. Her motor stopped but Sal went on.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled deprogramming.

[ Wednesday, October 19, 2005 20:10: Message edited by: Synergy67 ]

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Posts: 2009 | Registered: Monday, September 12 2005 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 2984
Profile Homepage #41
quote:
Here lies the body of Johhny Mound. Lost at sea and never found.
Okay, okay, jokes aren't logical. Still... :P

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Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00
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Member # 869
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I think the inconsistency you implicitly indicate was the point of the joke, actually. :P

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The Empire Always Loses: This Time For Sure!
Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00
Lifecrafter
Member # 4682
Profile #43
One must never forget The Gashlycrumb Tinies !!!!!

I've posted them on here before, but it's been a really long time.

--------------------
Do not underestimate the power of the mechanical pencil.

Join the Dark side. We have cookies.

Played in:
Fiddler on the Roof
Bye Bye Birdie

"Hey, Patrick, feel this random pipe. It's squishy"-Nils
Posts: 834 | Registered: Thursday, July 8 2004 07:00
Shaper
Member # 6292
Profile #44
How deliciously horrific, Nico.

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Posts: 2009 | Registered: Monday, September 12 2005 07:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 5969
Profile #45
A C, an E flat, and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
So the E flat leaves and the bartender says to the G, "Would you like some gin with your tonic?"
The G, being the dominant one of the two, answers for both of them: "Sure!" and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

A C, an E flat, and a G walk into the Tower of the Magi. Ambrin runs up to them and says, "Hey, look! It's the Triad!"
Kelner snorts and says "Pretty minor Triad if you ask me."

[ Friday, October 21, 2005 16:45: Message edited by: Erika Maroonmark ]

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A C, an E-flat, and a G walk into the Tower of the Magi.
Ambrin walks up to them and says, "Hey! It's the Triad!"
Kelner snorts and says, "Pretty minor Triad if you ask me."
Posts: 242 | Registered: Thursday, June 16 2005 07:00
? Man, ? Amazing
Member # 5755
Profile #46
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers abo ve the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son,

"Boy, go git yo Momma....

*this message sponsored by the otis company*

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quote:
Originally written by Kelandon:

Well, I'm at least pretty sure that Salmon is losing.


Posts: 4114 | Registered: Monday, April 25 2005 07:00
Shaper
Member # 22
Profile #47
Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?

Because if they were small, white and slippery, they'd be a paracetamol.

I also have a host of wonderful baby jokes, but few are suitable for Spiderweb.
Posts: 2862 | Registered: Tuesday, October 2 2001 07:00
Lifecrafter
Member # 34
Profile Homepage #48
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no hands.

What's green and red and goes round and round? A frog in a blender.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of a river? A good start.

What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion? People cry when you cut up an onion.

Why is a violin smaller than a viola? It's not, it's just that the violinist's head is bigger.

Why was the side of Helen Keller's face burnt? She picked up the iron when the phone rang.
Why was the other side of Helen Keller's face burnt? The jerk called back.

Two Mexican soldiers, Juan and Ramone, are separated from their company and are wandering lost in the desert. They go without food or water for two weeks when Ramone says he can't go any further and is about to collapse. Juan tells him, "Come on, Ramone, we'll find food and paradise just over the next ridge, I'm sure." So Ramone picks up and they keep on going. Surely enough, they see a tree on the next ridge with bacon growing off of it. Ramone runs up to it shouting, "Juan! Juan! I've found a bacon tree!' when all of a sudden there's a burst of machine gun fire and Ramone drops to the ground, wounded. Juan is stunned and runs to Ramone, crying, "Ramone! Ramone! What happened?" Ramone replies, "Juan, Juan. It was not a bacon tree. It was a hambush!"

I love that joke. You have to say the dialogue with an accent, though.

[ Monday, November 07, 2005 20:15: Message edited by: An error of type -13 occured ]

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Posts: 702 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00
...b10010b...
Member # 869
Profile Homepage #49
quote:
Originally written by An error of type -13 occured:

Why was the side of Helen Keller's face burnt? She picked up the iron when the phone rang.
Why was the other side of Helen Keller's face burnt? The jerk called back.

That version of the joke would make a lot more sense if Helen Keller weren't also deaf. :P

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The Empire Always Loses: This Time For Sure!
Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00

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