Muffins n' Hell...again

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AuthorTopic: Muffins n' Hell...again
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Edit -Revisions are down the list. This will burn your eyes.

After ADoS spammed my last thread on this, and got it locked, I have started on improvements.
Note that I will show the chapters bit by bit.

Here is the charater detail and Chapter 1! Enjoy!

Main Character detail:
Aldo- human-very skilled in melee, strongest of group, good endurance
Sssch- slith-very skilled in pole, strong, high endurance
Mrrrhrrr- nephil-very skilled in archery, little melee, very fast, high endurance
Michael- human-very skilled in mage/priest spells, weak, never goes into battle (much)

Prologue: There are four adventurers. They have great skill and are called on much. And they got called on. They arrive at Fort G to investigate something. Well, WHAT IS IT!

Chapter 1:
Aldo: (snore)

Mrrrhrrr: BOO!

Aldo: AHHH!

Michael: Cut it out you two

Sssch: Why? This is entertaining.

Michael: Look! We are almost there!

They finally arrive at Fort G, and seeing that the name of the captain is as stupid as that of the fort.

Commander G: sup

Aldo: ?

Commander G: Well, your quarters are over there (points southeast). We will talk in the morning.

The adventurers rest up and get equipped, though they feel a strange bizarre “pastry” like presence.

Commander G: I hope you rested well.

Sssch: So what do you want us to do.

Commander G: Well you need to inv…

Aldo: AHH! I need to go REAL bad.

Michael: I thought this was a blades scenario…

Commander G: (irritated) Just go to the damn place...over there (points southeast). Just follow the "stay away" signs.

Aldo: This is odd, what exactly…

Commander G: (sigh) investigate the area. If you find anything suspicious…they just left, didn’t they.

No duh smart one.
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Note that this is the beginning. Like any story, they start out boring then get interesting.

Ouch, it looked longer as I was typing it. ;)

Edit -since Ch2 is so short, I will just put it here.
Chapter 2:
They go and follow the signs.

Sssch: *rap*

Mrrrhrrr: *rap*

Michael: do do do do do do, duty!

Aldo: a BIRD!!!

But their humor is… disturbing. You don’t need to read that part.
Of course, they reach their destination…a…muffin?

Michael: It is biting at my leg!

Aldo: It looks like a muffin!

They soon see a horde of muffins. They are now in between the strange portal and the muffins.

Aldo: What the (censored)

Mrrrhrrr: This happened so sudden, there is no escape.

Sssch: Of course, we could go through that portal…

Michael: That is impractical! We…oof

He is easily dragged to the portal. Ouch, it burns. They come out the other end, and see a strange sight.

Aldo: Uhh, it looks like hell.

[ Wednesday, May 16, 2007 16:44: Message edited by: Infernal Flamming Muffin ]

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
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One question: are you actually making a Blades scenario?

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WWJD?
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I would if I could.

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
Law Bringer
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Profile Homepage #3
quote:
Originally written by Swashbucklery Muffin:

Aldo: Uhh, it looks like hell.
My thoughts exactly... Muffin, you should actually try to make a Blades scenario. 'Cause it's almost definitely going to be better than this.

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Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

I hate undead. I really, really, really, really hate undead. With a passion.
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Prologue: There were once four great adventurers, who had great skill and were called on much to do heroic deeds. Once, they got a mission to investigate something at Fort G. This is the tale of the epic deeds following.

Chapter 1: Near Fort G
Aldo: *snores*

*Mrrrhrrr sneaks up on Aldo*
Mrrrhrrr: BOO!

*Aldo awakes violently*
Aldo: AHHH!

Michael: Cut it out you two

Sssch: Why? This is entertaining.

Michael: Look! We are almost there!

The tired group finally reach their destination of Fort G, and see that the name of the commander is as ridiculous as that of the fort.

*The group goes up to Commander G*
Commander G: Greetings

Aldo: What?

Commander G: Well, your quarters are over there. *points southeast*
Commander G: We will talk in the morning.

*The adventurers go to their dusty quarters to rest up and get equipped, though they feel a strange bizarre “pastry” like presence. They return to Commander G the next morning*

Commander G: I hope you're well rested

Sssch: So what do you want us to do?

Commander G: Well you need to inv…

Aldo: AHH! I need to go to the bathroom!

Commander G: *irritated* Just go to the damn place...over there
*Commander G points southwest*
Commander G: follow the 'stay away' signs.

Aldo: This is odd, what exactly…

Commander G: *sighing* Investigate the area, if you find anything suspicious…they just left, didn’t they?

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Chapter 2: Fort G, SW Area
The bored group follows their instructions dutifully.

*The group reaches their destination, only to find an odd muffin. Suddenly, the muffin lunges at Michael's leg*

Michael: It is biting at my leg!

Aldo: It looks like a muffin!

* A horde of muffins comes from behind, so that the group is now pinned between a portal and the bizarre muffins.

Aldo: What the (censored)!

Mrrrhrrr: This happened so sudden, there is no escape!

Sssch: Of course, we could go through that portal…

Michael: That is impractical! We…oof

*Michael is temporarily knocked out and dragged through the burning portal with the rest of the group. They are astonished at what they see at the other end*

Aldo: Uhh, it looks like hell. Where are we?

*****

There, Iffy, this is me going through your script, fixing every error I see. It's sloppily written, and needs a lot of work. Try to make it so it's more like this.

Also, this isn't just for you Iffy. This is mostly to keep the other peoples eyes from burning out.

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All praise the greatest mod of all time! Long live Master Aran!
Posts: 1186 | Registered: Friday, June 18 2004 07:00
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Okay, I will try even harder.

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
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May I suggest that, since you don't seem to think you can design a BoA scenario, that you turn it into an actual story and not a script. Don't treat it like a BoA scenario. Treat it exactly like a story. Describe the setting a bit, give your characters personality and motivations instead of set skills. Who are they? Why are they together? Why are they going to the fort? What is the fort there for? Who is this commander? What is he like? Why does the commander know there is something out there? What is the character's reactions to seeing the muffins for the first time? Is this world so bizarre that muffins are normal, or is this a freak event?

Dikiyoba.
Posts: 4346 | Registered: Friday, December 23 2005 08:00
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Read your own work. Does it look like something that someone else would want to read? There's nothing wrong with writing a humorous story in script form, but your story isn't really funny and isn't in any way compelling.

As an exercise, try writing what happens and what's said in narration rather than stage directions. That should make it clearer to you why your story is, to put it rudely, unreadable.

—Alorael, who would really like to know why the muffins are there. They're very odd but not especially comical. They also seem to replace any attempt at a logical plot.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
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I disagree with Goldenking. All he did was take out that special Iffy touch and make it into a boring adventurer story. We have enough of those. Iffy's style makes it unique and funny, if only because it's so hilariously bad. The commander saying 'sup' is priceless. I seem to remember some old BoE scenarios that had a similar syle to them.

[ Saturday, May 12, 2007 05:43: Message edited by: Emperor Tullegolar ]

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You lose.
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quote:
Originally written by Emperor Tullegolar:

if only because it's so hilariously bad.
Interesting. You find it so bad, it is good. I find it so bad, I can't finish reading it. Reading this is as painful as someone pouring tabasco sauce in my eyes while someone else repeatedly kicks me in the balls.

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Pan Lever: Seventeen apple roving mirror moiety. Of turned quorum jaggedly the. Blue?
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quote:
Interesting. You find it so bad, it is good. I find it so bad, I can't finish reading it. Reading this is as painful as someone pouring tabasco sauce in my eyes while someone else repeatedly kicks me in the balls.[/QB]
Surely, you don't find it that bad?

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Play and rate my scenarios:

Where the rivers meet
View my upcoming scenario: The Nephil Search: Escape.

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I'm just shocked that someone has the experience level to use that as a point of reference.

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quote:
Originally written by Kelandon:

Well, I'm at least pretty sure that Salmon is losing.


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Interestingly enough, I am laughing when reading the posts you guys just made.
quote:
Alorael, who would really like to know why the muffins are there. They're very odd but not especially comical. They also seem to replace any attempt at a logical plot.
The adventurers don't know why, but they will find out eventually. But since I have to do more revising, you will have to wait.

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
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Iffy, ****ting on the boards and disguising it as a story is bad. The reason the last thread got spammed was because we had to make it presentable.

Edit: damn autocensor.

[ Saturday, May 12, 2007 09:36: Message edited by: DeNikous Vlish ]

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And when you want to Live
How do you start?
Where do you go?
Who do you need to know?


*Name by Slarty
Posts: 2864 | Registered: Monday, September 8 2003 07:00
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quote:
Originally written by Swashbucklery Muffin:

quote:
Alorael, who would really like to know why the muffins are there. They're very odd but not especially comical. They also seem to replace any attempt at a logical plot.
The adventurers don't know why, but they will find out eventually. But since I have to do more revising, you will have to wait.

Even when the adventurers find out why, the reader (presumably) won't get the reason that you, the author, picked muffins. They make no sense, but you don't quite make absurdist humor work.

—Alorael, who thinks he'll just have to sit back and watch the literary, um, progress commence.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
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Here is the revised work of Prologe, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2.

Prologue: There are four adventurers. Of course, they are friends too, but that is another story. They have great skill and are called on much. And they got called on. They get a call to go arrive at Fort G to investigate something. Unfortunately, they don’t know what it is.

Chapter 1:
The four adventurers are just sitting around. Aldo is fast asleep.

Aldo: (snore)

Mrrrhrrr is just sitting around, when he gets the idea to sneak up on Aldo.

Mrrrhrrr: BOO!

And thus, Aldo woke up quite valiantly

Aldo: AHHH!

Michael: Cut it out you two

Mrrrhrrr and Aldo look at Michael with a glare. Sssch, however, looks quite amused.

Sssch: Why? This is entertaining.

Michael: Look! We are almost there!

Michael points to the fort ahead. Soon, they finally arrive at Fort G, and seeing that the name of the captain is as stupid as that of the fort.

Commander G: sup

Aldo, having never heard slang, looks very confused.

Commander G: Well I am annoyed right now; your quarters are over there (points southeast). We will talk in the morning. BAD NIGHT!

The adventurers rest up, think of events, and get equipped, though they feel a strange bizarre “pastry” like presence. They go to the commander’s office in the barracks. He is in a much better mood this morning.

Commander G: I hope you rested well. I am sorry that I have dragged you into this part of Valorim, but we need you to do something.

Sssch: So what do you want us to do?

Commander G: Well, a few wizards were investigating a portal that appeared from the demons’ realm, when they got attacked. You can get to there by following the “stay away” signs and by going the opposite direction of the screaming people.

Aldo: This is odd, what exactly…

Commander G: (sigh) investigate the area. If you find anything suspicious…they just left, didn’t they.

The adventurers had rushed out, eager to get this over with.

Chapter 2:
The adventures do both kinds of duty. They find, however, a muffin lying on the ground.
It suddenly got up and went up Michael’s leg.

Michael: It is biting at my leg!

Aldo: I think it is a muffin!

Suddenly an army of muffins teleported in and charged the unexpecting adventurers.

Aldo: What the (censored)!

Mrrrhrrr: This happened so sudden, there is no escape.

Sssch: Of course, we could go through that portal…

Michael: That is impractical! We…oof

He is temporarily knocked out and easily dragged to the portal. Ouch, it burns. They come out the other end, and see a strange sight. There is lava spewing in some places and is extremely hot.

Aldo: Uhh, it looks like hell, where the (censored) are we?

Edit -I will have Ch 3 and 4 revised, and the rest typed.

[ Saturday, May 12, 2007 11:19: Message edited by: Swashbucklery Muffin ]

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
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I have to admit, this narrative is humorous in a unique kind of way. However, the story houses some weak sentences. For example, "It suddenly got up and went up Michael’s leg." lacks description and should be changed to something like this "It sprang to life and raced up Michael's leg." That wasn't the best sentence revision I could of given you, but it conveys my point clearly.
The abundance of passive language in your script should be changed to active language. Active language is almost always better than passive language.

I constantly revise the dialog in the scenario I'm creating, and it consumes a lot of time

[ Saturday, May 12, 2007 11:24: Message edited by: Excalibur ]

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WWJD?
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Chapters 1 and 2 have been revised some more, in which I will show you later.

Now the story continues.

Chapter 3:
All: (censored)

They all look closer, seeing shapes in the distance. Also, the portal is flickering.

Michael: We can’t go back through, and we need to rest.

Mrrrhrrr: Muffins, or whatever they are, aren’t chasing us, we can rest.

They rest for a bit, then they went off to explore. They carefully avoid the spewing gas and lava, and they intercept 7 shapes. One of them, however, looks like a cross between a muffin and a demon.

*Combat*
6 muffins 1 demon muffin

Aldo: What is this! More muffins!?!

Sssch: I think we found a plague.

Mrrrhrrr: (purr) there is a demon like muffin

Michael: As if they aren’t demon enough, they attacked us all of a sudden back there (points to portal).

After the conversation, Aldo moves up and attacks a muffin. Sssch goes and strikes it too, killing it. Mrrrhrrr decides to shoot a muffin twice…there is now left 4 left. Then the four muffins attacked. The demon muffin didn’t move. Michael hastens himself, and his next turn came immediately. He used group heal, and then smite on three of the muffins. Two of them died. Aldo sliced up the last and Sssch killed the demon muffin. There was something strange about it; it looked as if it was casting something. The last muffin died and…

End combat.

They continue on, in the mean time killed some more muffins. They soon see a camp, and someone, one who you recognize, walks up to you.

Commander G: You’re alive! I can’t believe it!

Sssch: Well, this is interesting.

Aldo: I guess you were sent here too.

Commander G: We were ambushed into a different portal. I have more orders for you, we need to get out.

Aldo: What should we do G?

Commander G: Go investigate a cave south of here, there are muffins patrolling the area. We think that there is something there, a good place to start.

They get rest and set out like children about to clean their rooms.

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
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Oh my god. Even in this bizarre script, there is a Bob.

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quote:
Oh my god. Even in this bizarre script, there is a Bob.
What does that mean?

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I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00
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A character who directs the plot, you keep reporting back to them and they tell you where to go. Like Anaximander in E3.

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"I can't read this thread with that image. But then, that's not a complaint." -Scorpius

Geneforge 4 stuff. Also, everything I know about Avernum | Avernum 2 | Avernum 3 | Avernum 4
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quote:
Originally written by Swashbucklery Muffin:

*Combat*
6 muffins 1 demon muffin

This is my favorite part. Muffin, just make a scenario. :P

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Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

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Bob.

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I tried to think of something witty to put here.

Needless to say, I failed.
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G is Bob!

[Edit: Beaten. A lot.]

—Alorael, who thinks your story suffers more from being a bad Blades scenario than a bad story. Well, equally.

[ Saturday, May 12, 2007 15:24: Message edited by: There were only six words left. ]
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Are you so sure Bob is whole in this one?

Chapter 4:
They head on towards the cave, killing muffins on the way. Inside the cave is what looks like muffins attempting to attack something. The muffins notice them, and move out to attack.

*Combat*
15 muffins 1 demon muffin

Aldo and Sssch move up and attack, with Mrrrhrrr pelting the muffins with arrows.
At one point, Sssch moves to attack the demon muffin, but several muffins distract him. They soon dispatch the 15 muffins, leaving the demon muff…oh no!

Michael: (censored)! The demon muffin is trying to do something!

Too late, it transports a haakai, and attacks. The haakai sprays a lot of acid, and pelted the adventurers with spells. With hack and slash, and blessing and hasting, the haakai is destroyed with effort, and the demon muffin was just a stronger muffin.

End Combat.

As they walk in the cave, they see some shadows. There was one large one and several small ones. They are all muffin shaped. The large one apparently ate the small ones. After several minutes, the brave adventurers walk in.

Aldo: WHAT IS THAT THING!

Michael: Son of a (censored)!

They see a gigantic muffin, probably 20ft high. It was apparently on fire and staring down at them like an arrogant cat. It talks after a moment.

Infernal Flamming Muffin: I am Infernal Flaming Muffin with an extra “m”, and I will not eat you, in fact I will help you.

Michael: Uhh

Aldo: Hello, Infernal Flaming Muffinm!

Sssch: Speak or we shall fight!

Infernal Flamming Muffin: I am not like the other muffins. I will say your main objective and tell my story.

Michael: So what do we need to do?

Infernal Flamming Muffin: Kill my brother. He is the great demon-muffin and, unfortunately… stronger. He wants to kill me. But the five of us wants visa-versa.

Mrrrhrrr: What does that mean?

The sound of crickets is heard.

Aldo: Your brother?

Infernal Flamming Muffin: Yes, I am the weaker one, and I need help.

Mrrrhrrr: How are you guy’s brothers?

Infernal Flamming Muffin: He is a demon. He shaped himself, one day, while eating a muffin, the effects were odd. It shaped within himself. He was so powerful that the main “new” part of the muffin of him separated, that part being me.

Sssch: So, that is why you are weaker, but you must have advantages? And please continue the story.

Infernal Flamming Muffin: I can, limitedly, transform. And I am on fire. Otherwise, I am a hugely powerful muffin. *cough*. More than you.

Aldo: What?

Infernal Flamming Muffin: I will cover the details after I finish. Well he saw me as magnificent. He then decided to create, since he could now manipulate, muffins. Since the main part, me, is gone from him, he could only make the ones you see now.
He wanted more power, and I realized that. So I fled.

Mrrrhrrr: And started to discover your power probably.

Infernal Flamming Muffin: Yes, and he started sending muffins to kill me, so he could claim my power. Actually, he basically sent my breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
However, he started combining other demons with muffins.

Aldo: Hmm.

Infernal Flamming Muffin: He sent them too, and they tasted horribly so I kill them, by sitting on them. And here I am now.

Aldo: So, what do we need to do, exactly?
--------------------------
But seriously, how are chapters 3 and 4?

[ Saturday, May 12, 2007 13:13: Message edited by: Swashbucklery Muffin ]

--------------------
I can transform into almost anything, though not sanity.
Muffins n' Hell. Note that revisions of the first part is down the list.

quote:
Originaly by Alorael
Okay, he's not that bad!

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Sunday, February 4 2007 08:00

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