Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow

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AuthorTopic: Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow
Raven v. Writing Desk
Member # 261
Profile Homepage #0
Vahnatai Creationism has gone too far. The original proposition, that Vahnatai had created other intelligent species -- aranea, troglodytes, and even humans -- was bad enough. Now we must also contend with "Vahnatai Creationism with a Twist" which teaches the further mistruth that the Vahnatai are in some way related to the Shapers, and that the worlds of Exile and Geneforge are one and the same. Enough, I say! This new Twisted denomination is an abomination to science, just as the original Roman Celtic denomination was.

Therefore, taking inspiration from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I hereby announce the formation of the Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow.

The Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow holds that all life, including humans, vahnatai, drakons, Jeff Vogel, and Richard White was in fact created by the giant, divine, omnipotent Nine-Headed Cave Cow, in His and Her infinite wisdom (what made you think a nine-headed divinity would only have one set of genitalia?). Bovingelicals, as followers of the church are called, believe that all magical and essence-based augmentation is simply the expression of His and Her will.

In contrast to other religious groups, the Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow believes in a process known as hamsubstantiation in which the body of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow is barbequed and transmitted to our plane of existence for consumption by His and Her worshippers. Furthermore, the Nine-Headed Cave Cow has proclaimed a doctrine of loving kineness for His and Her followers, as famously stated by the proverb: "Sooner may a cattle pass through the eye of a needle, than may a rich man enter the Kingdom of Heifer."

These mooving teachings are collectively known as His and Herd Mentality. Although bovingelicals supports freedom of religion, within the Church, hetero-oxy is not tolerated.

Members of the Church of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow demand that our teachings, which are just as believable as Vahnatai Creationism, receive equal time in classrooms, web pages, and pointless forum posts as other theories.

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Slarty vs. DeskDesk vs. SlartyTimeline of ErmarianG4 Strategy Central
Posts: 3560 | Registered: Wednesday, November 7 2001 08:00
Infiltrator
Member # 6652
Profile #1
Aww, great. Now we gotta teach about the Cave Cow in public schools.

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But I don't want to ride the elevator.
Posts: 420 | Registered: Sunday, January 8 2006 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 4153
Profile Homepage #2
quote:
Originally written by His and Her Meaty Appendage:

These mooving teachings
DIE.

EDIT: :P

[ Saturday, May 06, 2006 12:19: Message edited by: Ephesos ]

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Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

I hate undead. I really, really, really, really hate undead. With a passion.
Posts: 4130 | Registered: Friday, March 26 2004 08:00
Councilor
Member # 6600
Profile Homepage #3
Originally by Little Billy Sue:

quote:
Aww, great. Now we gotta teach about the Cave Cow in public schools.
Wait...it may already be in the public school system. Dikiyoba may have been a member of this religion at one point, until Dikiyoba was excommunicated for refusal to share beef jerky with the other members.

Edit: Added quote.

[ Saturday, May 06, 2006 12:33: Message edited by: Dikiyoba ]
Posts: 4346 | Registered: Friday, December 23 2005 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 2984
Profile Homepage #4
Heretic! You dare question the all-knowing Creator Eru Iluvatar, the All-Father, who conceived of the Ainur and made the world from their song? :P

Uh. I was supposed to argue for Cthulhu here, I suppose. Gah, it's hard to keep all these faiths apart.

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Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00
Shaper
Member # 5437
Profile #5
This is indeed a grand moovement. I'm sure it will steer today's youth in the right direction.
Posts: 2032 | Registered: Wednesday, January 26 2005 08:00
Guardian
Member # 6670
Profile Homepage #6
Great. As if Vahnatai Creationism, the Anama, the Church of the Divine Lucre, and the Almighty Chicken Gods weren't enough. I'm going to have to add this to the latest edition of the Xian Tome.

Do we have any Banjoists here?

EDIT: By Aran:
quote:
Uh. I was supposed to argue for Cthulhu here, I suppose. Gah, it's hard to keep all these faiths apart.
Consider jumping ship and following Banjulhu.

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IMAGE(http://onfinite.com/libraries/152591/d28.jpg)

[ Saturday, May 06, 2006 12:48: Message edited by: Dintiradan ]
Posts: 1509 | Registered: Tuesday, January 10 2006 08:00
Electric Sheep One
Member # 3431
Profile #7
Bull.

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We're not doing cool. We're doing pretty.
Posts: 3335 | Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 4153
Profile Homepage #8
quote:
Originally written by Miya:

This is indeed a grand moovement. I'm sure it will steer today's youth in the right direction.
DIE. [i]DIE!!![/i]

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Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

I hate undead. I really, really, really, really hate undead. With a passion.
Posts: 4130 | Registered: Friday, March 26 2004 08:00
Shaper
Member # 5437
Profile #9
quote:
Originally written by Ephesos:

quote:
Originally written by Miya:

This is indeed a grand moovement. I'm sure it will steer today's youth in the right direction.
DIE. [i]DIE!!![/i]

Don't be surprised if I come back as a zombie :P
Posts: 2032 | Registered: Wednesday, January 26 2005 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 4153
Profile Homepage #10
quote:
Originally written by Miya:

Don't be surprised if I come back as a zombie :P
Then you shall die twice. :P

Or is that sort of thing even possible in the Cave Cow faith?

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Gamble with Gaea, and she eats your dice.

I hate undead. I really, really, really, really hate undead. With a passion.
Posts: 4130 | Registered: Friday, March 26 2004 08:00
Raven v. Writing Desk
Member # 261
Profile Homepage #11
Ask not for whom the cowbell tolls, Ephesos, it tolls for thee...

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Slarty vs. DeskDesk vs. SlartyTimeline of ErmarianG4 Strategy Central
Posts: 3560 | Registered: Wednesday, November 7 2001 08:00
Shaper
Member # 5437
Profile #12
quote:
Originally written by Ephesos:

quote:
Originally written by Miya:

Don't be surprised if I come back as a zombie :P
Then you shall die twice. :P

Or is that sort of thing even possible in the Cave Cow faith?

Aw, Ephesos, you shall unite me with Nine-Headed Cave Cow, for this I thank you. I shall present offerings of grass and grain to the Nine-Headed Cave Cow in your name; it will be utterly pleased.
Posts: 2032 | Registered: Wednesday, January 26 2005 08:00
Raven v. Writing Desk
Member # 261
Profile Homepage #13
What Miya means to say is that He and She will be udderly pleased.

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Slarty vs. DeskDesk vs. SlartyTimeline of ErmarianG4 Strategy Central
Posts: 3560 | Registered: Wednesday, November 7 2001 08:00
Law Bringer
Member # 335
Profile Homepage #14
There is only one true faith, as your implants should tell you, and it is not some cash cow of a scam to milk credulous believers of all they're worth.

Richard White will have crushed your puny godling yesterday next week!

—Alorael, who assures you that no bovine intelligence could conceive of the needle/ferret.
Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00
Raven v. Writing Desk
Member # 261
Profile Homepage #15
The Nine-Headed Cave Cow is saving one of His and Her thirty-six stomachs just to digest Richard White.

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Slarty vs. DeskDesk vs. SlartyTimeline of ErmarianG4 Strategy Central
Posts: 3560 | Registered: Wednesday, November 7 2001 08:00
Lifecrafter
Member # 6193
Profile Homepage #16
The cave cow will rain down rumination on the Richard White heretics. They will grill forever in the fires be-low.

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Guaranteed to blow your mind.

Frostbite: Get It While It's...... Hot?
Posts: 900 | Registered: Monday, August 8 2005 07:00
Law Bringer
Member # 6785
Profile #17
quote:
Uh. I was supposed to argue for Cthulhu here, I suppose. Gah, it's hard to keep all these faiths apart.

Cthulhu doesn't argue. He just turns non-believers insane. Not that his believers have much sanity.
Posts: 4643 | Registered: Friday, February 10 2006 08:00
Shaper
Member # 247
Profile Homepage #18
R.W. is beyond time. He sees all and stands for nothing!

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The Knight Between Posts.
Posts: 2395 | Registered: Friday, November 2 2001 08:00
Shaper
Member # 5437
Profile #19
quote:
Originally written by His and Her Meaty Appendage:

What Miya means to say is that He and She will be udderly pleased.
That is what I meant. Making a misteak in an already bad pun is what I get for spending nine hours straight on the computer.
Posts: 2032 | Registered: Wednesday, January 26 2005 08:00
Master
Member # 5977
Profile Homepage #20
quote:
Originally written by VCH:

R.W. is beyond time. He sees all and stands for nothing!
Indeed, he past his time a very long time ago. I suggest new religions, and the cave cow seems good, for now. Until he chicken gods come back from their vacation, that is.

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Give us your drek!
Posts: 3029 | Registered: Saturday, June 18 2005 07:00
Nuke and Pave
Member # 24
Profile Homepage #21
To rephrase from another thread, this bovine religion seems very fond of cruel and unusual punishment.

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Be careful with a word, as you would with a sword,
For it too has the power to kill.
However well placed word, unlike a well placed sword,
Can also have the power to heal.
Posts: 2649 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00
Shaper
Member # 5450
Profile Homepage #22
Speaking of steak, I must go take mine out of the friesia.

EDIT: Ok, that sucked.

[ Saturday, May 06, 2006 22:56: Message edited by: Springer Bell ]

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I'll put a Spring in your step.
:ph34r:
Posts: 2396 | Registered: Saturday, January 29 2005 08:00
Shock Trooper
Member # 3898
Profile #23
So these days eating too much of certain foods has an affect on your religious moovements?

[ Sunday, May 07, 2006 03:26: Message edited by: Dallerdin with a custom moniker. ]

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~Note : The professional newbie's advice should not be taken seriously, or at all.~
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Posts: 364 | Registered: Saturday, January 17 2004 08:00
Shaper
Member # 3442
Profile Homepage #24
quote:
Originally written by Dallerdin with a custom moniker.:

So these days eating too much of certain foods has an affect on your religious moovements?
No. That's udderly ridiculous. It is drinking too much of His and Her sweet, sweet milk (innuendo alarm going off here) which makes you go crazy.

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And when you want to Live
How do you start?
Where do you go?
Who do you need to know?


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Posts: 2864 | Registered: Monday, September 8 2003 07:00

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