Everyone's a Comedian
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Monday, October 10 2005 11:46
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quote:That's also one of my all-time favorites, though it's been a while since I heard it. Apart from being hilarious, it's a good history lesson too. -------------------- The A.E. van Vogt Information Site My Tribute to the Greatest Writer of the Science Fiction Golden Age Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Lifecrafter
Member # 1468
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written Monday, October 10 2005 11:46
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quote:Me too. I like to poke fun at people, and don't mind being poked back, as long as it stays at that. On that note: Computers are female The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it. To be fair, I have to post one about men too: Computers are male Reasons computers must be male 1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 2. A better model is always just around the corner. 3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 4. It is always necessary to have a backup. 5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 6. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. And here is one of the worst jokes I've ever heard: "What did the blind deer salesman say to his customers?" "I have no-eye deer." [ Monday, October 10, 2005 12:19: Message edited by: Eldibs ] -------------------- "We can learn a lot from crayons. Some are short, some are dull, some are sharp, some are tall. Some have funny names and they are all different colors, but they all learn to live in the same box." "Happy is the man that has wisdom and gets discernment. For having wisdom as gain is better than having silver as gain and having wisdom as produce is better than gold itself" Proverbs 3:14-3:15 The horrible part about life is, you'll never get out of it alive. Currently boycotting: AngelFire, GameFAQ's Everybody should go to this site at least once. Posts: 818 | Registered: Tuesday, July 9 2002 07:00 |
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Too Sexy for my Title
Member # 5654
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written Monday, October 10 2005 11:53
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Fol. LMAO, I was wondering how long it would take for sexist jokes to come along. Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00 |
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Skip to My Lou
Member # 40
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written Monday, October 10 2005 15:15
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I nearly forgot one. There was this blonde who ran out of money. She decided she would make some more by kidnapping. She went to the local park and grabbed a kid. She wrote a note: "I've kidnapped your child. I want you to leave $10,000 in a brown paper bag under the tree at the edge of the park tomorrow morning. Signed - A Blonde" She then taped the note to the child and sent him on his way. The next morning she came to the tree and found a brown paper bag. Inside was $10,000 and a note saying "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" -------------------- Take the Personality Test! INTJ 100% 75% 100% 44% Huzzah for the Masterminds! www.Keirsey.com for personality information. The Sloganizer! "Swing your Archmage Alex." Deep down, you wish you were a stick figure. Posts: 1629 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00 |
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E Equals MC What!!!!
Member # 5491
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written Monday, October 10 2005 15:22
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quote:Is that like LOL, but... different? -------------------- Sex is easier than love. Posts: 1861 | Registered: Friday, February 11 2005 08:00 |
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Warrior
Member # 6347
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written Monday, October 10 2005 15:43
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quote:Yay for equalitarian sexism!!! Double the fun, none of the guilt! :D And the blind-deer salesman joke was horribly good... quote:Wahahaha!!! Best/worse blonde joke I've heard. quote:Could be "Farts Out Loud"...? But my money's on "Falls Over Laughing"... [ Monday, October 10, 2005 15:44: Message edited by: Muji ] -------------------- "Take time to listen to what is said without words, to obey the law too subtle to be written, to worship the unnameable and to embrace the unformed." -- Lao Tzu Posts: 124 | Registered: Monday, September 26 2005 07:00 |
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E Equals MC What!!!!
Member # 5491
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written Monday, October 10 2005 16:10
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It would be difficult for it to be Farts Out Loud, considering she just Laughed her Arse Off. Wait, that happened right after the Fol, didn't it? So there could be a connection. -------------------- Sex is easier than love. Posts: 1861 | Registered: Friday, February 11 2005 08:00 |
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Shaper
Member # 6292
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written Monday, October 10 2005 16:12
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Wasn't "Farts Out Loud" the name of the flatulent Indian in "Dances with Wolves"? -------------------- [Insert Signature Here] Posts: 2009 | Registered: Monday, September 12 2005 07:00 |
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Warrior
Member # 6347
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written Monday, October 10 2005 16:27
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quote:You've got a point there... perhaps I should change my bet... quote:I'm not quite sure if that's supposed to be a joke... It's funny if it is, but... I haven't seen the movie, so maybe you're genuinely asking cuz you can't remember, and maybe it was? Hey, could happen! -------------------- "Take time to listen to what is said without words, to obey the law too subtle to be written, to worship the unnameable and to embrace the unformed." -- Lao Tzu Posts: 124 | Registered: Monday, September 26 2005 07:00 |
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Too Sexy for my Title
Member # 5654
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written Monday, October 10 2005 17:11
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It's just an inside joke, and no it is def not Farts Out Loud. Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00 |
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Agent
Member # 27
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written Monday, October 10 2005 17:34
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If you are offended by the following jokes I dont really care: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you done told her twice. What do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner. What do you do when a woman interrupts you during a sporting event? Go into the kitchen and shorten her chain. Yes I know those were awful. One last joke thats great to tell with your friends. It isn't as funny on paper, but if you've got good timing this will get a large laugh. Three guys die in a car crash (Usual you and your buddies) You wind up in a room with three doors. A voice booms out: "(Buddy 1) Go to the first door!" (Buddy 1) is a bit nervous, he doesn't quite know what to expect. He crosses to the door. "Open it!" Grimicing he opens the door and before him stands the ugliest, fatest, meanest woman he has ever seen. "(Buddy 1) for your sins against humanity, you must now spend the rest of eternity with this woman!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," (Buddy 1) is sucked through the door, which disapeers in a cloud of smoke. "(Generally the guy telling the joke) go to the second door!" I cross over to the 2nd door, I'm nervous, sweating all over, this could be very bad. "Open it!" I close my eyes and slowly open the door. I open one eye and almost faint. Another woman stands in the doorway, who makes the woman from door 1 look like a beauty queen. "(Guy telling story) for your crimes against humanity you must spend the rest of eternity with this woman!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," I'm sucked through the door, trying to clasp on to anything but to no use. The door vanishes. Now (Buddy 3) is really nervous. The women just kept getting more and more repulsive; what could be in store for him. He's drenched in sweat and other bodily fluids that escaped in his anxiousness. "(Buddy 3) go to the 3rd door." Inch by painful inch (Buddy 3) makes his way to the door. "Open it!" Closing his eyes, on the verge of collapse (Buddy 3) barely manages to get the door open. He slowly opens one eye, and then the other, and the woman standing in the doorway is... Marisa Miller! (Buddy 3) almost wets himself in relief. The voice booms out, "Marisa Miller, for your crimes against humanity you must now spend the rest of eternity with this man!" This can be told to women too, just change the characters around a bit. Belive me, when telling this joke, timing is everything. Posts: 1233 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00 |
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Agent
Member # 3364
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written Monday, October 10 2005 17:43
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As long as we're on blond jokes... One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger. For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone, "Stroke! Stroke!" So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that she began pacing back forth on the pavement, throwing gravel and dirt at them from her place on the road, and she screamed at the top of her lungs, "You two are so stupid, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick both your behinds!!" A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed. About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed. She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked. "Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!" A guy took his blond girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied. A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The jerk called back!" -------------------- "Even the worst Terror from Hell can be transformed to a testimony from Heaven!" - Rev. David Wood 6\23\05 "Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can." - John Wesley Posts: 1001 | Registered: Tuesday, August 19 2003 07:00 |
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E Equals MC What!!!!
Member # 5491
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written Monday, October 10 2005 18:02
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So Gizmo dies and is greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. He leads her through a side door. "Those don't actually open. Just for show," he comments, nodding at the gates. They walk together down a hallway. Crammed into every space on the wall, there is a clock. They are even stuck on the ceiling. And the strangest thing, is all of these clocks are out of time. "Excuse me, but what's with all these clocks?" asks Gizmo. "Oh, we've got them everywhere, one for each person," says St. Peter. "They're sin-meters. Every time a person sins, the hand on their clock ticks over." "Oh, wow," says Gizmo. "Where's mine?" "Well, we threw it out when you died," explains St. Peter. "Need to make room, you see. But I can show you your friends' clocks if you like." "Alright," says Gizmo. "Where's Khoth's?" "His is right over here," replies St. Peter, pointing at a clock. The hand moves a little, and then holds still. A couple of minutes later it moves again. "That's fascinating," says Gizmo. "How about Ash?" "Right over here," replies St. Peter. He points out another clock. The hands are moving quite rapidly, every ten seconds or so. "Oh, my," exclaims Gizmo. "He always seemed like such a nice boy. Isn't life full of suprises?" "Or afterlife, as the case may be," responds St Peter with just a hint of a smile. "Okay, there's just one more clock I have to see before we keep going," says Gizmo. "Dear old TM. Which clock is his?" "Oh, that's not here," says St Peter. "What? Why not?" asks Gizmo, worry creeping into her voice. "Nothing has happened to him, has it?" "Oh no, nothing like that," replies St. Peter. "We just keep his clock in the kitchen so we can use it as a fan." EDIT: Now with bonus morbid undertaker joke - What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? Answer: Hammering on her lid. [ Monday, October 10, 2005 18:07: Message edited by: Ash Lael ] -------------------- Sex is easier than love. Posts: 1861 | Registered: Friday, February 11 2005 08:00 |
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Lifecrafter
Member # 1468
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written Monday, October 10 2005 18:32
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Well, since everyone else is doing blonde jokes, I might as well do some. Joke 1 One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" Joke 2 Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down! -------------------- "We can learn a lot from crayons. Some are short, some are dull, some are sharp, some are tall. Some have funny names and they are all different colors, but they all learn to live in the same box." "Happy is the man that has wisdom and gets discernment. For having wisdom as gain is better than having silver as gain and having wisdom as produce is better than gold itself" Proverbs 3:14-3:15 The horrible part about life is, you'll never get out of it alive. Currently boycotting: AngelFire, GameFAQ's Everybody should go to this site at least once. Posts: 818 | Registered: Tuesday, July 9 2002 07:00 |
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...b10010b...
Member # 869
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written Monday, October 10 2005 22:31
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(Note: the below joke works even better if you can do good Scottish and German accents, but it isn't necessary. Also, if you want to make the joke topical, you can always make the dead guy a politician who's been in the news lately.) So a man dies and when he gets to the Pearly Gates, St Peter tells him "Sorry, but you're going to Hell. But as one final concession, you can choose which part of Hell you want to go to". Now, when the guy gets to the entrance of Hell, he sees two doors, one with a sign above it reading "Capitalist Hell" and the other with a sign reading "Communist Hell". There's a queue for Communist Hell that stretches as far as the eye can see, but the entrance to Capitalist Hell seems completely deserted except for Adam Smith, who's leaning against the gates and looking thoroughly bored. So the guy walks up to Adam Smith and asks, "What's the deal here? What do they do to you in Capitalist Hell that's so bad that everyone wants to go to the other place?" And Adam replies, "Well, you see, the demons flay you with knives, boil you in oil and feed you to vultures." As you may imagine, the guy doesn't like the sound of this, so decides he'll go and take a look at Communist Hell, where Karl Marx is standing by the gates watching the damned filing in. And he walks up to Karl Marx and he says, "So, Karl, what do they do in Communist Hell?" And Karl looks up at him and says, "Well, you see, the demons flay you with knives, boil you in oil and feed you to vultures." The guy is bewildered. He asks "But Karl, that's exactly what they do in Capitalist Hell! Why is everyone going to Communist Hell instead?" And Karl Marx says, "Well, sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives..." [ Monday, October 10, 2005 22:33: Message edited by: Thuryl ] -------------------- My BoE Page Bandwagons are fun! Roots Hunted! Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00 |
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Shaper
Member # 5450
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written Tuesday, October 11 2005 00:47
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A couple of blonde jokes: There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. * * * * * * * Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. * * * * * * * Out of curiosity, are there any blondes on SW? -------------------- I'll put a Spring in your step. Polaris Posts: 2396 | Registered: Saturday, January 29 2005 08:00 |
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Too Sexy for my Title
Member # 5654
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written Tuesday, October 11 2005 03:37
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I am so proud to be a brunette right now. Edit: It is pretty obvious she didn't have what it takes. [ Tuesday, October 11, 2005 11:35: Message edited by: Marlenny ] Posts: 1035 | Registered: Friday, April 1 2005 08:00 |
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Nuke and Pave
Member # 24
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written Tuesday, October 11 2005 10:13
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quote:We can fix that. :P The author of the book "Gentlemen Prefer Blonds" was asked how she came to her conclusion. She answered: "From personal experience. I am a brunette." And here are a couple from my inbox: "If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution." (Robert Sewell) "In my egotistical opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." (Blair P. Houghton) -------------------- Be careful with a word, as you would with a sword, For it too has the power to kill. However well placed word, unlike a well placed sword, Can also have the power to heal. Posts: 2649 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00 |
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Master
Member # 4614
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written Tuesday, October 11 2005 18:03
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I finally got time to read this page anyway, and I'll have to say there were some pretty good jokes. I especially enjoyed yours, Ash. :D Anyway, I don't seem to have any good ones at the moment. Appropriate for the forums, anyway. -------------------- -ben4808 For those who love to spam: CSM Forums RIFQ Posts: 3360 | Registered: Friday, June 25 2004 07:00 |