Golden Country
| Author | Topic: Golden Country |
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Shock Trooper
Member # 4942
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written Monday, October 25 2004 17:39
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Here is a story I wrote for English. My teacher doesn't like my endings, and if you all have the patience to read it, let me know what you think, especially about the ending. The main character is a combination of a bunch of folks I know... I had a deadline for this to be done, so it may be a bit choppy... "Golden Country" It was a mild autumn day, in mid-October. The orange and red leaves littered the streets and sidewalks, making a trek to school or the corner store was like wading across a river. The whole town was bathed in the classic cliché of that calm, serene time of year portrayed in movies. School had been going on for about two or so months now, and all the kids were over the initial excitement of being reunited with friends, and were now lifelessly marching to the monotonous drumbeats which is the school life. Of course, no fall cliché would be complete without the inclusion of a high school, which is where our story starts. The bell had ringed about five minutes ago, and the halls were slowly clearing out. Teenagers are by nature social animals, and travel in herds. These kids were no exception. Just like they did everyday, they swarmed to the great steps in the front of the main of the school. You can picture it in your head, can’t you? Hmmm... let me paint it a little more vividly: Some of the adolescents waited for the bus to pick them up, and others walked to their cars, jittery to get home, or to a friend’s house. A game of football was in progress in the distance. Also, by just looking at the crowd, you could pick out every individual and neatly put them into little groups, social classes if you will, goth, jock, nerd, etc. There were the popular girls leaning up to the wall clutching books to their chests. (The books were not for studying, of course, they were merely fashion statements.) Some of the girls gossiped among themselves, and others were giggling stupidly, mostly in response to the jocks with arrogant expressions flirting with them, and the other giggling was due to the gossip. There were nerds with glasses and braces, talking quantum physics and advanced calculus. Then there was folks who were neither popular, but not on the bottom of the food chain either. These people sat on benches studying for the 9-week exam, enjoying the whether before it turned too cold. However, there was one person in the crowd you had trouble placing into a group. Her name was Kayla Martinez. She will be our main character in today’s presentation. Now, let me stretch those adjectives and spend about a page describing this... young lady before we commence with the story. For a quick physical description, Kayla had black hair and blue eyes. If she were here, she would call herself “angular and tall.” She was also very… colorful, adorning herself with neon tights, striped shirts and fishnets. She also just wore jeans and a t-shirt on days when she was not feeling as rebellious as she usually does. Well, for starters, Kayla was obviously not like other kids on campus. Everyone held a jealousy and an admiration for this particular girl. When she walked passed girls, their eyes smoldered with jealousy. On more than one occasion she sent buff guys home to cry in their beds with their tails in between their legs. (She turned down their “going out” offers, and made sure they got the picture, often in a mean way) She was extremely smart. But just because she blew everyone around her out of the water did not mean she did not have any friends. She had a handful of keepers, but she was still different from them. She had trouble figuring it out. What you might ask? Well, everything. Who she was and her place in the world was one question, just like any teenager would ask. Though she had a strong idea of who she was, but never stopped asking questions. She had recently dived into the world of philosophy, but soon found this “mental masturbation” was a little too depressing to do every day. So, with that being said, we commence our story... Kayla descended down the concrete steps of the school and quickly made her way across the lawn in front of the school. A few people jeered at her, and a few wandering eyes followed her, but nothing serious enough to write home about. Her friend Tori ran from under a tree where she was doing homework and walked with Llena to the bus. “So are you going to Jordan’s party on Friday?” Tori asked. “Nah, you know I don’t like him and his crowd. But I might go to eat, and crash it somehow…” Kayla responded. “Why do you always have to have a revolution for every social event?!? You don’t go to school dances and when you do, you PRACTICE your instrument in the band room! Enjoy yourself, live a little!!!” Instead of being angry, Kayla shot a smile at Tori. “I can enjoy life without participating in overrated and extremely pointless ‘social events’ inhabited by brainless, apathetic… drones. You see; this is what separates me from the rest of my generation, opinions like this. And they keep me out of the really good schools. Don’t you agree?” “It separates US from the rest of our generation. You know I was only going for the same reasons you were: to get food, etc. And I do agree, it is entirely your fault you can’t get into the really good schools. I was teasing you. Sometimes, you just take things so seriously.” “I have been known to do that… anyway, good luck on your test tomorrow, I gotta go now.” “Bai,” replied Tori, “see you later!” Kayla then boarded the bus. On her way down the aisle, her mind started moving’. “Just like everything in the world, the bus had a little culture within itself. It is one of the few places associated with school in which you could say whatever you want and not get in trouble. The kids you thought were quiet were wild and rambunctious, and the loud kids were silent. And when boarding the bus in the morning was almost like traveling through a portal, and transformed one’s personality. If you were to see some kid after school, they acted totally different than they did at school, a phenomenon. So in a way, the bus was like a milestone in the trip to school. So really, the bus helped transform your ‘school psyche’, it was almost like a warning sign when trespassing on someone’s lawn saying: WARNING. YOU ARE ENTERING A SCHOOL-RELATED AREA. ABANDON YOUR REAL PERSONALITY AND MOLD TO FIT WHAT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL WANTS IT TO BE!!!” Kayla took a step back in surprise. “Wow. My mind works in really strange ways. It is interesting to just observing how it works...” She quickly found a seat in which nobody was sitting, and plopped herself and her backpack down. She did not like sitting with other people too much; she liked to keep to herself on the bus. Another aspect of the “Bus Phenomena”, as she now calls it. Within an instant, she whipped out her CD player and mentally sorted through the music she had brought that day. “Lets see now... Nirvana, Ani, Greg, Gillian, or the Be Good Tanyas. I think I’ll go with... Nirvana.” She flipped the disk in and hit the play button. Kurt Cobain’s voice and really loud music came on. “Even if you have, even if you need, I don’t mean to stare, we don’t have to breed, we could plant a house, we could build a tree, I don’t really care, we could do all three...” Kayla slowly switched to her daydreaming mode, which is what she did for the way home. She imagined that her favorite musicians would magically appear on the seat next to her. She fantasized about not only talking to her musical heroes, but playing music with them (Llena played guitar and the french horn) and talking not only about each other’s lives, but telling stories as well as creating memories for the both of them. She sometimes worried that if she really met her favorite musicians, they would not like her, or remember her, and if they did, it would only be the memory of “that one chick that shook my hand in Toronto.” Kayla also dreams about having friends she has in other countries and friends who live far away materialize as well. Though all of her muses are obviously not possible, she still dreams anyway. This is how Ms. Kayla spent her bus rides home. Of course, there was much chaos surrounding her, and very loud voices. The occasional spitball popped in and out of sight every once in a while. The music on the bus was also very obnoxious. Which brings us to another one of Kayla’s “string thoughts”. While the “BOOM BOOM BOOM” of the rap music playing overhead, Kayla thought to herself, “it is sad and pathetic huge corporations can sell this to the youth of today. These are not musicians, or even real rappers. I actually like rap, it is a form of poetry. These are just guys and gals with the image to make millions. I really enjoyed rap out of the 80’s, like Public Enemy. I have always had a grudge against the mainstream, and not only its music, but fashion and other variables as well. Unless I like it, or it sounds good, I stay away from it and let everyone know I do.” All in all, the bus ride was rather uneventful. A few people threw pieces of paper at her neck, but she just ignored them. The bus approached her house on the end of the cul-de-sac, and she disarmed her headphones, and prepared to get up. “Bye Jerry,” she said as she walked down and unlocked the front gate. Kayla strode up the path to the front door. She lifted the rock on top of the spare key and unlocked the door. She stopped for a moment to say hello to her dog, Lady. Lady was old, and her back legs were very weak. Since it was hard for Lady to get up, Kayla just walked over her. She took off her shoes, ran upstairs to her bedroom, and threw her backpack on her bed. Her cat, Mr. Sandman, jumped from her designated sleeping area, (her computer chair) in fright. She quickly calmed her down with soothing words and a stroke on the head. Llena then picked up the lint roller and cleaned up her computer seat. Anxiously, she booted up her computer, and swirled in her swivel chair as the computer loaded. “So Mr. Sandman, give me the report on the house. What happened today?” Her cat lazily swished her tail like a pendulum in response. The Sandman was sometimes lazy, like most cats are, but she was fierce. When she went outside, she would not only catch birds, but rodents and other small animals. No other cat on the block dared to mess with the Sandman. “Hmmm… very interesting. Good job, I commend you Sandman.” Kayla then picked up a fake mouse and threw it at the Sandman and watched her with amusement. The computer was now fully loaded, and she quickly opened her Internet browser. She clicked on “connect” and to pass that period of time, ran downstairs and placed some water to boil so she could make some macaroni and cheese. Her parents would not be home until later that night, so she decided to make dinner a little early. Her mother and father were professors at the nearby university. They usually came home late, because they had not only classes to teach, but very long papers to grade as well. Llena was old enough to take care of herself, and did not worry about their absence too much. By the time she got upstairs, her computer was connected, and a flashing orange box on her toolbar caught her attention. The box was a notification from her instant messaging program that she had a new message. It was Sam, a boy around her age she had met online some weeks ago. He had sent her a private message on a web board for a video game she had. His PM was a little weird coming out of the blue like it did. But what the heck, right? With the internet the way it was today, the unusual was routine. He had said something to the effect of: “I was just wondering if you would like to talk on MSN messenger sometime. You mentioned in a previous post wanting to become a philosopher. I am currently interested in things like that. And anyone who is interested in the meaning of life can't be that bad, right? My msn email address that I use is whambamshizam@hotmail.com I know this sounds kinda weird coming out of the blue, but I don't have too many contacts, and just want someone interesting online to talk to. So yeah, let me know if you would like to chat.” She had not thought anything of it at the time, just another faceless weirdo to talk to every once in a while, but Sam was turning out to be more than a faceless weirdo. For one, she had seen a picture of him. He was no longer faceless. They both had plenty of things to talk about, though they held common ideas and interests. Talking to him became an everyday thing instead of an occasional encounter. She also... trusted him. As much as yo can trust a stranger from online. He had trusted her in telling a story involving him, pink spandex, and maxi-pads. This story was supposedly top-secret, and she felt good that he trusted her with the knowledge that this event took place. The fact they came from different countries was also something that kept them talking, and was also the centerpiece for a lot of jokes they made... So Kayla engaged with Sam in online talk; their conversation of the night went something like this: (Ugly “S” words removed) Sam: “Hey” Kayla: “Hello.” Sam: “How are you?” Kayla smiled to herself. Sam started all of their conversations started like this. Kayla: “I am not unwell, thank you. And yourself?” Sam: “Ok. Just a little tired of school. It is the same thing over and over, you know?” Kayla: “I do.” Sam: “And the whole social structure of school too, it is really an underlying current of a concept, but it exists. Maybe not to the extent it is in films, but it is there.” Kayla: “I agree. Even here in Canada everything is not as perfect as some might think. There are your trucker-hatted boys going out with your “popular” girls. They don’t even talk to each other, they only interact during make-out sessions. It is annoying, sickening even to walk past those people, it makes me wonder what our generation is coming to.” Sam: “I could not have said that better myself. I do believe it is sickening, it makes my stomach hurl. But in Canada, everything is not perfect? I thought you guys had excellent edumacation (in Bush terms) and healthcare system.” Kayla: “God, did that man really say that? I can’t believe you Americans elected him... But yes, we are not perfect. Far from it actually. All is not well in the golden country. We are practically the 51st state. Multinational corporations and all. McDonald’s too...” Sam: “You know, not all of us voted for him, and if you remember, he rigged the elections, and probably will do the same with the next one.” Kayla: “I have to go right now. Be right back.” Sam: “Ok.” Kayla dashed to her pot of pasta and quickly added the powder, milk, and butter to the drained pasta. She sat down and quickly gobbled it up. She then dumped her dish in the sink and ran upstairs. Llena: “Back.” Sam: “I would not want to live in Canada, it gets too cold there.’ Kayla: “STEREOTYPER!!! It actually gets in the upper 40's here.” Sam: “So what? That is still cold. It gets like up to 90 here in the summer.” Kayla: “NO, NO, NO YOU IGNORANT AMERICAN!!! 40 Celsius!!! *Slaps* Sam: “*Hangs head in shame* Sorry, I forgot about the whole measurement thing... Ya, 90 Fahrenheit is kinda... hot then, right?” Kayla: “Duh.” Sam: “So anyway... do you have an accent? Kayla: “What do you mean?” Sam: “Do you talk like... a french person who just learned English, or do you talk with a slightly Scandinavian tint to your voice?” Llena: “I think I talk pretty normal.” Sam: “Err... how do you say the word ‘about?’” Kayla: “Abowt, like that... oh, I see what you are leading up to... NO, I DO NOT SAY ‘ABOOT’!!!” Sam: “Okay, okay, sorry...” Kayla: “It is ok, it is not your fault you are American :-p No, really, it is ok, you know I am just joking.” Sam: “Yeah, I know.” The phone rang. Llena dashed downstairs and picked it up. “Ya, Grand Central Station.” “Kayla? It is mom. Just checking to see you got in ok.” Llena rolled her eyes. “I am fine momma.” “Ok, just checking. Dad and I will be home around 9:00 o’clock. Alright?” “Ok, love you bye.” “Love you too, bye.” Llena hung up and dashed upstairs to get the latest message from Sam. Sam had logged offline and only left the words: “Gotta have dinner now, talk to you tomorrow Ms. Canada.” Sam called her that every once in a while and referred to her as “Ms. Canada” to his friends. It was getting late anyway, so she slipped into her nightclothes, brushed and flossed. She then went upstairs, plopped on her bed, and proceeded to end the day by commencing with sleep... But of course, she stayed awake a little while, thinking to herself, and answering out loud, talking to herself. She remembered a conversation with Sam she had some weeks ago. She remembered talking about Sam making a difference in the world. He told her that she would make a difference too, but she protested. She insisted that she was not born with the “compassion gene.” It took forever for Sam to understand, so she finally said she was just too lazy at this point. It sounded strange, even to her, but it is the way she felt. “Why work to your potential when everyone is just going to die anyway?” Other people should take care of themselves, it was not Kayla’s responsibility. Or was it? She did not know. She tossed with this thought until the conclusion to that conversation came into her mind. Sam said something like, “Well, I believe that you will get motivated Kayla, just maybe when you are a little older. You are that kind of person.” She was contented at the moment by that statement, and groggily said to herself, “I promise to work to my full potential to help everyone that needs help; at least everyone in me realm of consciousness. Even that ignorant American...” She smiled to herself and fell asleep. The end to the usual day of Kayla Martinez So maybe Kayla will not change the world. Sam probably won’t. But as we have found, they can do what they can to help the folks around them. And in Kayla’s case, she may never gain the desire to help folks, or to live up to her enormous potential. And of course, adults can speculate and write all they want on adolescent psyche, behavior, experiences and such, but they never express what someone else feels and experiences effectively. Nobody can. You can not do these things unless you are a teenager yourself. Even if you do write, speculate, etc, you can only do so about yourself. This is true with any philosophizing. Truth varies from person to person, as does anything. Our truth varies from person to person based on personal experience. In Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha, the main character spends his whole life coming to this conclusion. And as Richard Rodriguez said, adolescence is now more than a time period in which your voice deepens and you grow hair. It is a political manifesto, a signal to rebel. Though the conclusion to this story does not have a happy ending, or a prince climbing the tower to free the fair maiden, it is intended to be a sort of a cliffhanger. You can figure out yourself what Kayla’s destiny is. (Actually, Llena would not need a prince, she would free herself someway...) You must also understand that Kayla is a very complex person. Though I myself am her creator, I don’t know her as well as some might assume. Llena is the kind of character that evolves as I evolve and change. The more I learn from her, the more Kayla’s character grows. She is constantly shrouded in mystery, like a cake with too much frosting... So whatever Llena and Sam’s destiny, they will be alright, and hopefully live successful lives worthwhile for them... won’t we all...? That one is for you to figure out... PS Here is a drawing of mine, abstract. Let me know what you think. I am a horrible artist... -------------------- Wham Bam Shizam Posts: 247 | Registered: Monday, September 6 2004 07:00 |
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BANNED
Member # 4
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written Monday, October 25 2004 18:48
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For this story, I'm gonna use abbreviations like 1P, 1S- this means first paragraph, first sentence. Without further delay... (First observation is that you don't double-space your sentences: I've asked my English teachers before, none of them have ever told me otherwise.) 1P, 1S- You don't need the comma after day. 1P, 2S- Like wading a river how? The connection between leaves and water is a bit vague. 1P, 3S- If you say serene, you don't need calm. Which movies are you referring to? Why is saying this important? 1P, 4S- The "or so" typically goes after the months. By the way, you have a list, and lists only have one and. The drumbeats are, not is. (Your first line break, which I will call paragraph 1.5, is only one sentence. Paragraphs, however, are not one sentence. Also, this quasi-paragraph is virtually meaningless.) 2P, 2S- The bell had rung, not ringed. (Just a general observation, you seem to have a certain affinity to making sentences with commas followed by "and" and a subsequent clause. This is not a bad sentence structure, but try not to use it too often.) 2P, 4S- Plenty of things you could and should cut off here- great and main stick out poignantly. 2P, 5-6S- Totally meaningless, trite, and pretentious. Axe these two sentences. 3P, 1S- Congratulations! You've stumbled onto the most obscure use of the semicolon. The way this sentence could read is thus: Some of the adolescents waited for the bus to pick them up; others walked to their cars, jittery to get home, or to a friend’s house. (Semicolons can be used to separate items in a list when modifiers are used on some of the items therein.) 3P, 3S- The crowd you speak of is obscured- are you describing the crowd in the football or the crowd before the steps? This should probably be the first sentence of your paragraph, and thus you should remove the also. Axe the "social classes, if you will," and use "cliques." Also, after that, you should use a semicolon to begin your list. (Your fourth paragraph seems to be a continuation of what should have been the first sentence of your previous paragraph. Why not make two paragraphs; one to describe the people who are there, and one to describe what they do when they leave?) 4P, 3S- (This is the sentence after the paranthetical one.) Again, even in a two-item list, you should use the semicolon to differentiate list items with modifiers. This sentence badly needs semicolons. 4P, 5S- There were, not there was. 5P, 1-3S- These two sentences, unlike some of your more loquacious ones, would fare better in amalgam. 5P, 3S- You should use "protagonist" in lieu of "main character". 5P, 4S- This sentence is totally meaningless. Plus, if both paragraphs are merely describing the protagonist, why do you need to start a new one? 6P, 1S- You don't need "For a quick physical description". 6P, 2S- This story takes place in the past anyway, no need to abstract it with "If she were here, she would..." You'll do just fine with "She called herself..." 6P, 3S- The ellipse is unnecessary and pretentious. If you want to achieve the same nuance, say "to say the least" or something to that effect. 6P, 4S- For greater rhetorical aptitude, put the just after wore. I'm not sure that the "also" is necessary here either. "as she usually does" should be "as she usually did"- avoid tense confusion. 7P, 1S- You've clearly established Kayla as a unique character in the preceding paragraph, there is no need for you to repeat yourself. To open a new paragraph, outline what new ways this paragraph will describe her unique personality. 7P, 2S- "held a jealousy and admiration" makes no sense. "was jealous and admiring" is much better. 7P, 3S- Nothing wrong with buff per se, but buffed is more common. "In their beds" seems unnecessary. 7P, 4S- This seems to be redundant. If you are saying something you didn't in your third sentence, then clarify it better. 7P, 5-6S- Sentence 5 is extremely short, and no sentence should EVER begin with the word "but". Try combining the two. 7P, 8-10S- She had trouble figuring WHAT out? The first sentence is very vague and meaningless, whereas the latter two sentences are just meaningless. 7P, 11S- "and her place in the world" needs a what after and and a was after world. Plus, they aren't one question. There's no asking in the first part of the sentence, so saying "just what any teenager would ask" is confusing. Try something like "just as they were for any other teenager" or somesuch similar. 7P, 12S- Either remove the Though or place a she in lieu of the but. 7P, 13S- "Mental masturbation" isn't exactly a metaphor that explains itself- either choose one that's more opaque or explain this so that the reader knows what you intend with it. 7P, 14S- This sentence is totally meaningless. Axe it. ... That's it for the first seven paragraphs. Let me know if you're interested in more. (And don't think I'm above some of this either- I've had English teachers axe my work before.) -------------------- 人 た ち を 燃 え る た め に 俺 は か れ ら に 火 を 上 げ る か ら 死 ん だ Posts: 6936 | Registered: Tuesday, September 18 2001 07:00 |
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Shock Trooper
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written Tuesday, October 26 2004 14:46
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Thanks TM. My teacher just gave me a 90 on the first draft... Thanks for your input. I would like to hear more, but you can email it to me at whambamshizam@hotmail.com (don't want to take up too much space here) -------------------- Wham Bam Shizam Posts: 247 | Registered: Monday, September 6 2004 07:00 |
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Master
Member # 4614
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written Tuesday, October 26 2004 16:20
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Wow! I've never seen that writing style for a story before. Is that your school standard? -------------------- -ben4808 For those who love to spam: CSM Forums RIFQ Posts: 3360 | Registered: Friday, June 25 2004 07:00 |
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...b10010b...
Member # 869
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written Tuesday, October 26 2004 23:53
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The writing style is certainly interesting. Very conversational. I haven't entirely warmed to it, but I'm just a stuffy old traditionalist so feel free to disregard my opinion. It's also a little heavy on exposition and rumination, but those are virtually universal in student writing. You appear to have good grammar, a decent vocabulary and at least a respectable general knowledge, which are the hardest things to learn and probably the most important things in writing. The rest is just a matter of practice and polish. -------------------- My BoE Page Bandwagons are fun! Roots Hunted! Posts: 9973 | Registered: Saturday, March 30 2002 08:00 |
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Warrior
Member # 3870
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 02:04
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Mmmh... certainly not bad. There are some rough things in the style. For example, the MSN conversation is unrealistic at best, even for the kind of characters you described. Nobody puts correct capitalization and punctuation everywhere, and few will write every single line as a complete, structured sentence. I understand you're highlighting the personalities of the characters, but I think it's overdone. ;) -------------------- "Toleration is not the opposite of intoleration, but is the counterfeit of it. Both are despotisms. The one assumes to itself the right of withholding liberty of conscience, and the other of granting it." ---Thomas Paine Posts: 156 | Registered: Thursday, January 8 2004 08:00 |
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Shake Before Using
Member # 75
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 05:53
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quote:Have you never spoken to Dragyn Bob on AIM? Barring when he talks in all capital letters, he enjoys talking in complete sentences with correct capitalization and punctuation. It makes him more creepy. ^^ [ Wednesday, October 27, 2004 05:54: Message edited by: Imban ] Posts: 3234 | Registered: Thursday, October 4 2001 07:00 |
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Cartographer
Member # 1851
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 08:19
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I always write like so O.o -------------------- "Son--err," her father said, "I mean... Daughter, I give you your first and only sword. Use it for with skill for great villainy." Nanoisms Ooh! Homepage - Blog - Geneforge, +2, +3 - My Elfwood Gallery - WannabeCool Forums So many strange ones around. Don't you think? Posts: 1308 | Registered: Sunday, September 8 2002 07:00 |
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Shock Trooper
Member # 4942
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 08:29
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You would be mighty surprised how many people use proper English and capitalization. I do. Sometimes. I pop in and out of it every once in a while. No ben, that is not the school standard. In my english class, I am supposed to go above and beyond the standard to get an A. (even though she doesn't grade our notebooks... she is an interesting individual. I will ask her when a paper is due, and she will say that she doesn't know, and she will give us a warning before she collects it. She then collects it the next day... weird... but a cool teacher. Sometimes) My teacher said it has to be no less than a page and I ended up writing the beginning of a book... I am at school right now actually. I am really glad you guys like it. It was written in a hurry, and I plan to add more ideas and a bigger storyline later on. My english teacher didn't like it that much... she hasn't given me any feedback. Also, I am reading The Giver, have any of you read it? I really like it, and I am just curious as to what you all thought of it... -------------------- Wham Bam Shizam Posts: 247 | Registered: Monday, September 6 2004 07:00 |
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BANNED
Member # 4860
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 09:12
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uh why dunt u guys jsut relaxx n take it calm rite like whos ta say how to type but u urself??++? yeah i rly like doinnit this way cos its lotta faster than makinit readble heh!!1! -------------------- The Great Mister kommari@gmail.com[/url] Posts: 103 | Registered: Sunday, August 15 2004 07:00 |
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Shake Before Using
Member # 75
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 10:53
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I will crush your soul, tGM. Posts: 3234 | Registered: Thursday, October 4 2001 07:00 |
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BANNED
Member # 4860
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 11:07
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now thatd be niec mista imban haha lol!!1 XD -------------------- The Great Mister kommari@gmail.com[/url] Posts: 103 | Registered: Sunday, August 15 2004 07:00 |
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Law Bringer
Member # 2984
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 12:52
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I usually write in complete sentences too, Wham. It is fitting for discussions, and for most kinds of fiction or roleplaying as well. On IM, I do tend to, well, loosen up. :P -------------------- The Encyclopaedia Ermariana <-- Now a Wiki! "Polaris leers down from the black vault, winking hideously like an insane watching eye which strives to convey some strange message, yet recalls nothing save that it once had a message to convey." --- HP Lovecraft. "I single Aran out due to his nasty temperament, and his superior intellect." --- SupaNik Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00 |
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Shock Trooper
Member # 4942
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 13:01
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Tonight is report card night, when all the parents of good kids come in and all the parents of the kids who fail stay home. There is festivity in the air! Parents are going 90mph from work to get to school in time! Teachers are looking forward to staying until 10pm! Ahh it truely is a wonderful time of year... But anyway, I am really dissapointed that my english teacher didn't like my paper... maybe she just didn't understand. I don't know. But who needs an english teacher when you have TM here dissecting my paper like a frog in your biology class? :P -------------------- Wham Bam Shizam Posts: 247 | Registered: Monday, September 6 2004 07:00 |
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Infiltrator
Member # 4256
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 13:20
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Thats why I dislike formal English studies You can work for hours on a paper and do your very best and then the teacher hates it, so the next paper you don't even care and spend maybe 45 minutes to write a 6 page paper (which obviously can't be very good) and get an A. What the heck? It's not that I'm bad in English but the subjectivity of it just makes me mad. So... sciences for me. Heh good thing that I kinda had my choice, those APs got me out of all English and writing requirements- so I could pick which ones I wanted to do- if any. [ Wednesday, October 27, 2004 13:34: Message edited by: m's chosen ] Posts: 564 | Registered: Wednesday, April 14 2004 07:00 |
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Law Bringer
Member # 2984
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written Wednesday, October 27 2004 20:08
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Hah. That applies to both of my final IB essays as well. One was supposed to be a 4000 word research paper, the other a 1200~ word philosophical paper, on one of perhaps 10 choice topics. I spent nearly a year writing the 4000 word one - an essay comparing constructed and natural languages, and linguistic evolution. I wrrote down the thesis early in July 2003, finished it during the Fall break, fiddled around with it for almost half a year, and handed the paper in April 2004. Writing the Theory of Knowledge paper was unfortunately put off by tons of other work, so I only remembered that when it was perhaps a week to go to the final draft deadline (the only time a teacher would look over it and give correction advice). I wrote it in two days straight, something on the power of language (the title was based on a Sartre quote, "Words are more powerful and treacherous than we think"). Got it corrected, handed in the final version only days later. Guess which one got the A+, and which the C. Come on, guess. [ Wednesday, October 27, 2004 20:09: Message edited by: Her prow was fashioned like a swan ] -------------------- The Encyclopaedia Ermariana <-- Now a Wiki! "Polaris leers down from the black vault, winking hideously like an insane watching eye which strives to convey some strange message, yet recalls nothing save that it once had a message to convey." --- HP Lovecraft. "I single Aran out due to his nasty temperament, and his superior intellect." --- SupaNik Posts: 8752 | Registered: Wednesday, May 14 2003 07:00 |
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Triad Mage
Member # 7
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written Thursday, October 28 2004 01:29
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Are Llena and Kayla interchangable or am I just missing something? -------------------- "At times discretion should be thrown aside, and with the foolish we should play the fool." - Menander ==== Drakefyre's Demesne - Happy Happy Joy Joy desperance.net - We're Everywhere ==== You can take my Mac when you pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse! Posts: 9436 | Registered: Wednesday, September 19 2001 07:00 |
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Shock Trooper
Member # 3980
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written Thursday, October 28 2004 04:03
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quote:No need to guess - just from the way you put it. The expectations for a 4000 words piece are much higher than 4 times 1000 words. There is much more structure to develop and a careful crafting for the flow of thoughts. How often had you done 4000 and how often had you done 1000 words pieces before? Think of it as the difference between a 4000 piece mosaic where you how to choose the theme yourself and a 1000 piece puzzle. The way you describe it, you had trouble remembering the insights you had had last time whenever you got back to work on the piece. Everybody would have had such difficulties first time. Try to read and understand both texts now - 6 months later - and give grades based upon whther the writer knew where he wanted to get at the middle and at the conclusion when he wrote the first sentence. Posts: 311 | Registered: Friday, February 13 2004 08:00 |
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Infiltrator
Member # 4256
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written Thursday, October 28 2004 10:28
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quote:Yeah I was confused by this too- Perhaps the teacher was as well- quote:That totally sucks- but it took you a year to go through a 4000 word essay. There are limits. At least if I tinker with something to long I just screw it up. meh- How did the rest of that IB go for you? How do IB's even work? Posts: 564 | Registered: Wednesday, April 14 2004 07:00 |