Care in the Community
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Friday, July 1 2005 21:19
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quote:Did I mention that it's dishwasher safe? It's a new feature. You see, the accumulated encrustations of blood and transdimensional ichor can often detract from one's reading enjoyment, so we made it easy to wash. [ Friday, July 01, 2005 21:22: Message edited by: Icshi ] Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Electric Sheep One
Member # 3431
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written Saturday, July 2 2005 04:20
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Well, it might be safe for the book, but I bet you don't warrant against anything that might happen to the dishwasher. -------------------- We're not doing cool. We're doing pretty. Posts: 3335 | Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00 |
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Triad Mage
Member # 7
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written Saturday, July 2 2005 13:07
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I'd be more afraid of what comes out of the dishwasher in place of clean dishes. -------------------- "At times discretion should be thrown aside, and with the foolish we should play the fool." - Menander ==== Drakefyre's Demesne - Happy Happy Joy Joy Encyclopedia Ermariana - Trapped in the Closet ==== You can take my Mac when you pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse! Posts: 9436 | Registered: Wednesday, September 19 2001 07:00 |
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Saturday, July 2 2005 13:20
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Yes, there is a certain degree of risk involved, but we guarantee that the book will always come out sparkling clean. However, we recommend using only Cascade, for reasons that will become apparent if you try to use anything else. ---------- Incidentally, this is a good time and place to make a public announcement. I'm quoting here from our company's most recent in-house newsletter: quote:[/b] [ Saturday, July 02, 2005 13:20: Message edited by: Icshi ] Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Electric Sheep One
Member # 3431
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written Saturday, July 2 2005 15:22
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Welcome to the RWG forum, where 'Check your sanity at the door' isn't just a slogan: it's a vital safety precaution. In other news, two words: Hello Cthulhu [ Saturday, July 02, 2005 15:25: Message edited by: Student of Trinity ] -------------------- We're not doing cool. We're doing pretty. Posts: 3335 | Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00 |
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Law Bringer
Member # 335
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written Saturday, July 2 2005 17:00
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I'd like to thank you for your prompt service. I got my new copy actually before I mailed the request and check. As I went to the door, letter in hand, I found the new copy waiting on my doorstep. It was accompanied by a putrid and unpleasantly odoriferous lump; while this addition was thoughtful, I believe I would be happier with something easier to fit in the freezer. —Alorael, who did indeed leave his sanity at the door long ago. Spiderweb has had some very strange eons. Posts: 14579 | Registered: Saturday, December 1 2001 08:00 |
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Sunday, July 3 2005 12:10
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Oh dear. Uh, we didn't actually send you a copy yet—we're still busy over here printing up stickers that say "Jimminy Cricket's Chainsaw" to put over the area that says "Shriekingskulls Press" on the title page, book spine, and copyright acknowledgements page on every copy of every book in our inventory. This process may take up to two weeks, depending on how soon (if at all) my secretary Valerie gets back from her trip to the Jim Jones Kool-Aid Tasting Festival in Droitwich. We recommend that you destroy the book immediately. To find out how to get rid of such accursed books safely, we recommend buying our booklet 101 Techniques for Disposing of Level 12 Tomes of Pure Evil, which should be ready for mailing in a couple of weeks or so. Until then, try to ignore the book you received, no matter how much noise it makes, or how many of your pets transform/disappear/explode. And, by all that's good and holy, DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! Remember, since it didn't come from us, you don't know where it's been. And as for the unidentified lump that came with it—well, generally, the best means of disposal in such cases is to cook and eat it. We know this sounds drastic, and you should of course use your own judgment, but if it seems innocuous enough while it's sleeping, you may like to give it a try. Such things are often quite tasty despite their gruesome appearance. You may be interested in a volume in our cookbook series, Homestyle Recipes for Unidentified Amorpous Lumps of Spontaneously Appearing Alien Biomass. But before you do so, could you take a photo of it and send it to us? We'd love to see it, and may even add it to the next edition of the cookbook. Of course, such photos often don't turn out right owing to the whole warping of space and time that has manifested itself with this incident, but please give it your best shot. We hope this has been of help to you, and it is our wish that you survive this most unfortunate ordeal with all limbs and santiy intact. We will send you your replacement copy of the Necronomicon by July 18th. If you send us your credit card number now, we will also include the two books mentioned above. And if you receive this shipment of books before you pay us, well then, something really, really bad is brewing in your neighborhood, and we recommend you immediately leave all your worldly possessions behind as you flee for your very life. Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Electric Sheep One
Member # 3431
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written Sunday, July 3 2005 12:30
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That's one heckuva business model there, Icshi. Has Donald Trump heard about you? -------------------- We're not doing cool. We're doing pretty. Posts: 3335 | Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00 |
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Skip to My Lou
Member # 40
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written Sunday, July 3 2005 18:54
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Of course he has! Trump = Valerie -------------------- Take the Personality Test! Deep down, you wish you were a stick figure. Posts: 1629 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00 |
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Monday, July 4 2005 11:51
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All I know about Donald Trump is that he has a funky haircut and has appeared on some silly television commercial. Oh, and that he's really really rich and buys $100 hamburgers. That's it. I'd like to remind you that the business practices of Jimminy Cricket's Chanisaw are simply the product of a disordered mind, and any similarity between our methods and those of any other organization are purely coincidental. By the way, my secretary Valerie Krauthammer is also my half-cousin twice removed on my father's side. She just returned from Droitwich this morning—she's a little hung over from all the arsenic, but otherwise okay. She's won the Stamina Competition at the Jim Jones Festival for four straight years now, but I'm afraid sooner or later all this accumulated poisoning will catch up with her. :( Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Electric Sheep One
Member # 3431
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written Monday, July 4 2005 15:15
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As A.E. Housman explained, Valerie may just be building up resistance. Better watch out, Icshi. quote: -------------------- We're not doing cool. We're doing pretty. Posts: 3335 | Registered: Thursday, September 4 2003 07:00 |
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Tuesday, July 5 2005 10:43
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Yes, that's how the Black Pirate Roberts rescued Princess Buttercup. "I poisoned both glasses." I'm afraid next year Valerie's going to invite me to come along with her. I won't quite come up to her standard, and will have to disappoint her by replenishing my fluids at the tea tent, or, perhaps more wisely, bringing along all my own beverages in sealed aluminum cans. Or I could just say no altogether, but then she'll sulk around the office for goodness-knows how long. And you've never seen her sulk—believe me, eldritch R'lyeh is no more nightmarish than spending three weeks trying to go about your normal business with a grumpy female relative nearby glaring daggers at your back, who you can't fire or even cut her pay. [ Tuesday, July 05, 2005 10:46: Message edited by: Icshi ] Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Nuke and Pave
Member # 24
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written Tuesday, July 5 2005 13:59
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Dear Mr. Icshi, The officials of EVOL party would like to express our admiration for your successfull business practicies. You might have heard about our campaign for wold do... I mean our campaign to elect Zeviz a moderator of General forum. We would like to hire your company to distribute our campiagn literature. We believe that your unique marketing abilities would breath new life into our campaign and bring us closer to world do... I mean universal proserity, security and equality. In return for your help, you would be granted the status of official authorized publisher of EVOL party, which would mean that after we consolidate our power, you will be the only publisher left in the world. We look forward to hearing from you, Zeviz, and the rest of EVOL executive committe [ Tuesday, July 05, 2005 14:01: Message edited by: Zeviz ] -------------------- Be careful with a word, as you would with a sword, For it too has the power to kill. However well placed word, unlike a well placed sword, Can also have the power to heal. Posts: 2649 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00 |
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Tuesday, July 5 2005 15:18
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Dear Zeviz (whose custom title I initially misread as "Puke and Knave"), I have hitherto utterly and pointedly ignored the election shenanigans going on in General as such things make me dizzy and confuse me terribly. Besides, I've always viewed politics as the plaything of amateurs—the minds of the public must be warped from within through subversive surrealist literature. Damage like that cannot be imposed from without. I have no idea what the EVOL party is, but if it has been officially condemned and outlawed in at least five major countries, I am tentatively prepared to give it my support and would be interested in hearing more about it. For instance, is "EVOL" a deliberate mispelling of "EVIL" designed to foil search engine filters? If so, my interest heightens. Where could I find more about the EVOL party? What are its tenets? Who are its members? And most importantly, where is the pre-arranged drop spot for the hefty bag of cash coming my way? Sincerely, Icshi [ Tuesday, July 05, 2005 15:20: Message edited by: Icshi ] Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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Nuke and Pave
Member # 24
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written Tuesday, July 5 2005 19:03
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OOC: This is not related to election campaigning. I am just having fun. Perhaps I should withdraw my candidacy to avoid misunderstandings. _____________________________ IC: *Personal and Confidential* *Destroy after reading.* Dear Icshi, I would like to thank you for the interest you've shown in EVOL party. If you want to hear more about our program, there are two versions for you to chose from. The junk we are feeding the public (and that we would like to distribute through your publishing house) can be found here. However, the real program of our party involves complete world domination. While elementary business practice dictates that it is better to be loved, rather than hated, some of our literature mentions "treatment centers" for various "criminals". Perhaps you'll be interested in helping us design and run these "treatment centers", in addition to distributing our literature. Sincerely, Zeviz PS As for the name of our party, it certanly is a deliberate misspelling of EVIL, hidden as "love spelled backwards" to fool the guilable public. [ Tuesday, July 05, 2005 19:05: Message edited by: Zeviz ] -------------------- Be careful with a word, as you would with a sword, For it too has the power to kill. However well placed word, unlike a well placed sword, Can also have the power to heal. Posts: 2649 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00 |
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Mongolian Barbeque
Member # 1528
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written Wednesday, July 6 2005 19:16
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quote:I've had a very busy day today, so haven't had time to examine your page as closely as I would like. Poor Valerie did indeed finally succumb to accumulated blood poisoning, as I feared she would, so she's lying down on the cot (she's currently living here at the office, since her apartment complex met an untimely yet spectacular end in mysterious circumstances) and taking it easy until I can find some untainted blood and give her a transfusion. And mind you, untainted blood isn't easy to come by among our close-knit circle of friends and acquiantances. In the meantime, I'll just replace her with her identical twin sister—also named Valerie, oddly enough—who is less talented but fine for temporary fill-in. As soon as all this is cleared up, I shall give this fine literature my closest attention. But on the surface is seems harmless enough—you restrain yourself to such phrases as "sending a hit man to break offender's fingers"—which is a very nice front for your true aims and I must applaud your talent for cunning deception. If we accept your offer, we would also like to publish unexpurgated (and fully illustrated) editions of your manifesto—along with any demented ravings you may have cluttering up your desk drawers—to cater to our fine and discerning clientele, who are always eager for fresh supplies of such things. quote:Excellent! Personally, rather than go into politics, I'll just wait for my mad scientist friend — you may have heard of him, Professor Thadeus G. Stanislaw Koenigsberg IX, who comes from a long and distinguished line of scientifically gifted Slavic asylum-inmates — to finish building me that Deathcruiser he's been promising me since last Christmas. It's his latest and most up-to-date design, equipped with the brand-new wide-range Pain-Dispenser Beams, a full underside array of Firmament Flushers, and the improved precise-targeting ExoVirinium Crustpuncher Rays that come in a exciting new variety of colors. Once I have that I can forgo the tedious "deceiving the public with carefully-spun lies" thing and just plunge right into the "If you don't do as I say, I'll incinerate your puny, defenseless world" business, which apart from being more straightforward is immensely more satisfying. quote:Mmmm! Various delectable possibilities cross my mind... I can draw you up some design schematics for possible new Disposal Factories—I got a new set of glow-in-the-dark crayons a couple of days ago that I'm just itching to use—during slow hours at the office. It's awfully dull around here without Valerie running up and down the warehouse aisles screaming at the top of her lungs as some hideous form pursues her with slavering jaws. quote:Fantastic! There's nothing quite like turning something good and wholesome around to make it into something twisted and dripping with sickly loathsomeness. Well, I must go now; the garbage man just arrived at my door to pick up all those lumps charred beyond recognition which are stacked in my cellar... Oh, how intrusive is the tedium of everyday life! Best regards, Icshi P.S.—Come to think of it, I suspect this other Valerie may be nothing more than one of those duplicates that Dr. Koenigsberg cooked up as an elaborate April Fool's joke a few years ago. He assured me they were all disposed of since then, but I have my doubts—the identical name, for instance makes doubt his word. In which case, perhaps I have found the untainted blood we need... Posts: 907 | Registered: Monday, July 15 2002 07:00 |
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