Spiderweb Hall of Fame
|Author||Topic: Spiderweb Hall of Fame|
Lack of Vision
Member # 2717
written Tuesday, May 13 2008 03:48
We've had a long and often sordid history on these boards. Some of us remember fondly past events, like the mod election. Others would rather forget. However, I'm convinced the community should save some of its most famous posts, entering them into the Spiderweb Hall of Fame.
Here is the first entry. It comes from the great Ischi, and his Cult of Richard White Codex, circa 2005.
[Here's the email I sent Jeff. I received his reply today and will post that as the next message in this thread.]
Subject: A Touching Tribute: A Satire in Song
Date: August 26, 2005 3:26:22 PM PDT
Dear President Vogel,
My name is Isaac, and apart from being a loyal Spiderweb Software customer and Irony Central devotee, I'm an active member of your Spiderweb Software Boards (http://www.ironycentral.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi) where I operate under the name "Icshi." I've also greatly enjoyed your book, *The Poo Bomb*. I couldn't put it down when first reading it, and it's certainly the funniest book I've ever read. I hope there's a follow-up book on the way. (You might be amused to learn that my copy is on the bookshelf between *The Essential Works of Lenin* and Hegel's *Philosophy of History*. Tellingly, of those three august tomes I've only read *The Poo Bomb*.)
I would ask if you are be willing to autograph my copy, but apart from all the nuisance of packaging and shipping the book, there's always the risk that you would dip your finger in a nearby dirty diaper and scrawl JEFF VOGEL across the title page in big brown letters. A brown crayon would suffice.
Fortunately I have no children of my own, and you will be pleased to learn that your book has had a large part in my decision to ensure things remain that way. Apart from the obvious reasons, I detested being a kid and would hate to inflict a similar condition on anybody else.
As one of the handful of those who admit to enjoying Richard White's game *Galactic Core*--which, as you're no doubt aware, is distributed by your company--I've been the most sincere participant in the "Richard White Games" forum. For the last month or so, I've been working on a parodic duet between yourself and Mr. White to the tune of "When I go out of door" from the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta *Patience*. Exactly why I chose to do this is something I'm still not entirely sure of. Regardless of the motivation, once it was completed I posted it in the Richard White Games forum. It was favorably received by my fellow cretins down there, and it was suggested that I pass it along to you since you'd "get a kick out of it." But whether it'll be me who's on the receiving end of your kick remains a point of some anxiety on my part. The song is attached to this email in a pleasantly formatted HTML document. This HTML page contains all of the original text of my post in the Richard White Games forum--this includes a few prefatory comments, more information about the original operetta, and links to audio files of the accompanying tune.
However, although you're probably familiar enough with your own life and work to understand your lines, Richard White's lines are something else entirely. Since very little is known about him, over the last few months we've been letting our imaginations run wild in senseless--and often tasteless--speculation.
I've therefore drawn up this helpful "Exhaustive Semi-Chronological Short History of the White Cult" essay, along with some equally helpful links to the source material in question, in order to give you the background necessary to appreciate Richard's lines in the song. (The original source material needn't be read except by those conducting intensive nit-picking delving into the "facts" in order to find inconsistencies with my account.)
A discussion thread in the forum got to speculating about who Richard White was and what he might be doing at the moment--and, above all, whether or not he was actually dead.
A board member by the name of "VCH" emailed you and asked about Richard's current life status, and was given a few interesting facts in reply. Apparently, you're still sending White's bank account occasional checks that are apparently being cashed, so that was quoted as evidence that he was still alive. However, one of the differing interpretations of this data was that Mrs. White was merely cashing the checks after having buried her husband in the back yard.
There was also some speculation that perhaps Richard's disappearance could be explained more innocently. For instance, perhaps he went into a more profitable line of business, such as selling *Lord of the Rings* t-shirts to tourists on the street corners of Christchurch in his home country of New Zealand.
Another board member by the name "Zorro"--whom I recently inducted into the Ways of White--related how he had called Spiderweb Software's business number to register Galactic Core, as it is no longer possible to purchase it on your website. During this telephone conversation with your employee(s) and/or wife he had asked you all if you were aware that Richard White had died. Zorro had no idea one way or the other--this was an admittedly cruel practical joke on his part for which he has since expressed sincere contrition. But he opened a can of worms by relaying this "jest" to the rest of us on the bulletin board.
Some of the phraseology in these discussions was of the ambiguous and theologically-couched variety, so I inserted the innocent comment that the discussion was starting to sound like a debate on the existence or nonexistence of God. "The Cult of Mystic White" was accordingly created on the spot.
Well. You can guess how wild things started getting from that point on. Some unfortunate parallels were drawn to the "late" L. Ron Hubbard, whose soul is apparently orbiting Saturn and still beaming bad novels back to Earth.
Before we knew it, suddenly Richard was endowed with astral powers, a disembodied existence, and the posthumous ability to alter his own timeline--turns out he *did* die, but each day he ended up having died a different way.
He also has the power to constantly edit and alter what he accomplished here on Earth during his lifetime. For example, we have proof that he was here on Earth at least a hundred years earlier than previously thought--Richard White edited a version of the complete works of Shakespeare in 1860. You'll have to admit, that's some pretty damning evidence!
His appearance and age is also mutable. Some days, he was a nice young man. Other days, he was a sinister old man. He'll also be here long after the entire human race is dead, and He will dance on our graves.
There's a massive and arcane system of ranks and titles among his Cult followers, but nobody's quite sure what they are--even myself, who's the nominal part-time founder of the Cult. The hierarchy--and even the existence of the hierarchy--seems to be in a constant state of temporal flux. I should add that the cult's official name is also in a state of flux, so it's never referred to by the same name twice.
For a brief moment, doubt was sown in the minds of the faithful with the dissemination of the sordid conspiracy theory that you killed Richard (by throwing him off the top of the Space Needle in Seattle) in order to cash in on his lucrative game registrations. However, this theory has fallen out of favor with the Cult and is now considered "heretical"--not for being malicious or false, but for being so cliched. However, it's now commonly accepted that this *was* one of his deaths, just not one of his more interesting ones. So we tend to ignore it.
Also, since his games aren't exactly selling like hot cakes, we came to the conclusion that there is a Galactic Core 2 in the works. But this will be no ordinary game--it's really thinly-disguised brainwashing software. Whenever the program is run, an "ideological download" begins into the user's brain, twisting his mind into a thoroughly devoted, slavish cult member who would suddenly be "enlightened" and see Richard's game for the glorious everlasting gems of endless joy that they really are. Galactic Core 3 will be the White Rapture, when all his followers are turned into pure energy and set out on a *real* campaign of interstellar conquest.
Later on, there was talk about the possibility of implanting White's prospective disciples with mind-controlling devices. Or more accurately, there was a security leak about the implants that are already in place. They apparently take the form of ordinary eyebrows.
There's also a "RWG" (Richard White Games) FAQ now available which will help clarify a few points. It starts out very informatively, but soon deteriorates into incoherent academic bickering between prominent Cult members:
And somewhere along the line H.P. Lovecraft's horror stories got thrown into the mix, and it's all been downhill since then.
This outlines the majority of the salient "facts." It is now "safe" to read the song. I eagerly await your glowing accolade or outraged condemnation.
Pan Lever: Seventeen apple roving mirror moiety. Of turned quorum jaggedly the. Blue?
Posts: 186 | Registered: Thursday, February 27 2003 08:00
Member # 32
written Tuesday, May 13 2008 08:16
The most famous of posts tend to be those that would get someone banned...
Posts: 2462 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00
Nuke and Pave
Member # 24
written Tuesday, May 13 2008 10:30
quote:I think Zorro is talking about posts that you found particularly amusing and enjoyable, rather than simply memorable ones.
I'd post various Spidwebbers as actors/characters/whatever threads most of which were started by Slarty, but I can't find any right now.
Be careful with a word, as you would with a sword,
For it too has the power to kill.
However well placed word, unlike a well placed sword,
Can also have the power to heal.
Posts: 2649 | Registered: Wednesday, October 3 2001 07:00